Mistakes That Make You
by BabyJane14
Summary: There are many things in life that you can forget and move past, things that you leave behind once the memory is far enough away. What happens when its something unexpected that changes you the most, something that you never really wanted to begin with.
1. Pink Plus Signs

Manda's Note: just a heads up, majority of this was written between the hours of 1 and 5 am and I'd PLANNED on writing it and keeping it to my self but my lovely marshmellow decided that she wanted to read it and then she gave me the idea and the corrage to post it. so here it is. leave your thoughts. I love to read reviews. oh! and a heads up this is at the same time as Quinn's pregnancy and it is a multi chapter story so it doesn't just end here. yea so i'm gonna shut up and stop rambling and go back to watching Glee now with my Britt.

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He's held her hair back enough times after drinking binges since they were thirteen years old to know the basics. First, make sure she doesn't have her glasses on (he made the mistake of forgetting them once and they fell into the regurgitated grossness), if she does have them on slip them either to the top of her head or take them off completely. Second make sure to try and grab all the hair out of her face. She's going to feel like shit after and her hair has always been one of her most confident things about herself. Third, keep a soothing hand on the back of her neck. It's a thing he's repeated over and over for the past three years. Santana never quite learned how to handle her liquor very well and if he'd being completely honest he never expects her to learn either. Her main concerns are drink fast and as much as she can, hook up with whoever's in front of her, run to Puck when she knows she's going to feel like shit. Because (and she learned it when she was eight) the boy who's four months older than her exactly will baby her till she feels better. This time though as she pukes into a trash can in the tree house and he slips her glasses off, ties her hair back in an elastic, and lightly rubs the back of her neck, he knows that this is different, and, it scares him to the bone to know just how different this is. Because she hasn't had a drink in days, her eyes are filled with salty tears, and she's more vulnerable than she's been since she was eight years old. Because there's something that's been missing for too many weeks now, something that the stick across the floor had told her to quit waiting for. It chills him inside and out to know that the reason she's throwing up her guts now is a mixture of nerves and human nature.

The moment she regains enough of her strength she pulls her head from the trash bucket and reaches for a breath mint before collapsing back into him. He doesn't for a moment hesitate before slipping her glasses back on her and leaning his head down to kiss her clammy forehead. He just wishes he could carry her into his bed and let her sleep a little more. He hates the fact that they've been reduced to spending nights together hauled up in the old tree house. But, there's not much he can do when the pregnant blonde in his bed and the beautiful Latina in his arms are in the mixed of a power struggle. He kind of does want to meet his kid, his daughter, and the only way to assure that is to make sure the once bubbly blonde is happy with her surroundings. Even if that costs him the right place to care for Santana, he's pretty sure his mother would even object to that one. She's loved Santana from the first moment she'd met her. In fact, he's pretty sure she might have taken the news that's sitting in front of him now at the very moment better than she'd taken Quinn's announcement as she'd shown up on the door the snowy December night.

"I hate you for this"

Her strained voice whispers out and he nods his head, his mouth silent as he drops his head to her shoulder. She should hate him for it. He hates himself for putting her through it. They'd known the risks though, the risk of neglecting to use a condom. But, they hadn't used one since half way through their first time. It hadn't felt right having a barrier between them, thinking back on it now it sounds stupid and carless and he wonders if the next time they have sex they'll remember to find one beforehand. Still, even without the condom it's hard to believe this has happened. Sure, he'd given up on the pull out method, he couldn't ever unwrap himself from her in time but, she's been on the pill since she was twelve, and, the morning after pill is a frequent in her system. So their methods of protection suck when they're really thought about.

"I know"

He agrees with her as his arms wrap around her from behind and he can feel how extremely tense she is. He knows there's no soothing this out of her. Santana can play the tough girl when it comes to most things but, this is bigger than she is. This is something different all together. He knows that its just a matter of time before she cracks and her whole tough outlet crumbles down around her. he's just a little afraid that when she cracks he's going to too. Puck's never liked to see her in pain, normally it's a pain that someone else has created, this, this is pain that's all his down.

"You know that this isn't going to work… right? I'm not staying this way. I'm not going to be Quinn."

Biting his lip he nods his head. He knew the moment she slipped the un open EPT test onto the floor of the tree house that had the results been what they were she had a one track mind. She was the only one who ever looked out for herself, it was only natural. So, this was her decision. She was the one who decided the fates and whatever she decided was ok because Santana wasn't like the rest of them. She put herself before anyone else, and he wasn't looking down on her for it. That was just the way it went. This pregnancy didn't fit into the guidelines of Santana's life. The pregnancy needed to be put to an end and she'd see to it being done by the end of the week. As mad as he wanted to and tried to feel he couldn't make himself hate her for being so straight forward, he couldn't hate her for what she needed to do.

Looking in her eyes puck felt himself cringe for a second before he pulled Santana closer to him, ignoring her resistance. He knew she was just trying to disconnect herself which made him even more determined as he pulled her to the ground of the tree house with him till they were both laying down. As they laid there in one another's arms, Puck's hand soothingly rubbing Ana's back, he felt her finally give way on her solider like stance as she broken into a million pieces. For someone he hadn't seen cry in years his shirt was quickly becoming damp and he'd hardly ever felt more guilty in his life.

"Wondering what things would be like if they were different Santana?"

He whispered into her slightly convulsing ear. His own words coming out choppy as he struggled with his own emotions, it was something completely new for him. he hadn't felt this way when Quinn had told him he'd screwed up. The only other time he'd felt the most liquid fill his tear ducts had been when he'd spoken the words to Santana. When he'd informed the thickheaded Latina that he was having a baby by her worst enemy and so called best friend. This though, this was on a completely new level. He knew that this was pain that he wasn't going to be able to erase with a simple 'I'm sorry' and a kiss. This was a new turn that their lives had taken. Something they'd both feared going through. It wasn't as if he wanted to beg her to change her mind, he didn't want to piss her off, but, he was actually for once in his life… scared. He knew a side of Santana he was pretty sure she didn't even know herself. The girl who'd grown up watching Disney movie after Disney movie with his baby sister, the one that babysat for the people down the street with all the crazy kids, the girl who'd one day make the perfect and caring mother. He'd been so afraid of watching himself through the years that he hadn't thought of what the effects would have done to her. This wasn't just some passing thing. from how well Puck knew her he knew that the memory of the baby they'd be getting rid of would stick out in her mind as a milestone of their teenage years. It was in that moment that Puck decided for sure that they weren't any longer little kids who could take on the entire world with just a snarky comment. Now, they actually had things to worry about. One of those things being the results on the stick that laid across the room.

"had she not been pregnant right now… I might have almost considered this."

Between her cried her voice was shot. Not the same confident cheerleader she normally was. Then again, with him she was never over confident. His lips found her temple and left a soft kiss there. He knew she was just saying it to make him feel better. Trying to save them both from the things they both knew weren't true. Because, as much as Santana might have wanted to think about and consider what it would have been like she had a wall built around herself that kept images from that from getting in. she seemed to always have something against allowing herself to be happy. Allowing herself to think of any sort of semi normal future was 'so overrated' she liked to claim. He took the moment then to move his hand. With her back now against his chest Puck place his hand, palm down, to her stomach. His hand resting against where their mistake lingered and making the tiny hole in her existence shatter a little bit more. As she tried to swat his hand away she had no luck as he stayed set there, there wasn't a chance that Puck was moving. He needed Santana to live in the real world for a moment. not the one that she believed she needed to be perfect, the one where she felt like everyone was out to get her.

"Puck let go, I can't… we can't do this. This is nothing Puck. Absolutely nothing."

She fought against him as her mind worked over time to protect its self. She didn't want to dip into thinking that anything was real. She wanted to live in the blissfully stupid world where the only thing that mattered was how far up on the 'food chain' she was when it came to her high school life.

"Abortion or no abortion Ana, you're still pregnant right now. You can hate me all you want for doing this to you and for saying this. But, Ana, we're pregnant. There for the time being is something inside of you, something growing with its own heartbeat. It scares the shit out of me but, we both fucked up. Can you just drop your god damn attitude for the night."

Feeling her start to deflate in his arms he knew he was winning. It was when her hand finally slipped on top of his that he knew he was getting though her block of ice heart. It made him shutter a second. He hated being so cold to her and he knew that if he pushed her very far when it was all over it would just hit her harder but, he didn't want her living in denial. Why should they both pretend it didn't happen when Quinn was sleeping in his bed with their bastard of an accident right under her shirt. He'd hardly made it outside with his Transformers quilt to take to her.

"I just want it to be over. I don't want to think about having a fucking kid. I don't want to think about me screwing up my life when you've already done that enough for the both of us. Just gimmie your phone, the sooner we get this shit over with, the faster it'll be over and we can put it all behind us. And you can go back to screwing whoever you want wherever you want without having to worry about someone you've knocked up catching you."

Anger flared in his eyes for a moment things had been so different for the past few weeks and she wouldn't allow herself to get close to it. he was frustrated by it. since the news about baby gate had broken the only thing that had mattered to him was making sure that she didn't crack under the pressure. Of course, the way he was raised had taught him well enough to take care of Quinn but Quinn wasn't Santana. Quinn wasn't the one he'd worried about on a daily basis from the moment her mother was pronounced dead on scene.

"My mom… She'll… it'll be taken care of Puck. I might be going to hell… along with you. But, it'll be taken care of."

At least she was giving some thought to the fact that this wasn't nothing. That was all he wanted. He wasn't begging her to change her mind. It wouldn't have gotten him anywhere and he knew it, when Ana made her mind up about something there wasn't any going back on it. But, it did help him to feel a little bit better knowing that she wasn't completely detaching herself from what was going on. He was worried about the long term effects of what would happen if she disregarded it. who was he to think about long term, it wasn't exactly Noah Puckerman behavior.

"Pregnancy in high school… that's just not me Puckerman"

Her hand laced with his over her abdomen and he dropped his head to her shoulder. It was all such a mess, he couldn't help all of the regrets that were swirling around his head. All he wanted to do was apologize but, apologizing wasn't going to get him anywhere. He knew he'd been silent to long when she kissed his cheek on her own accord. Something she didn't ever do, kissing his cheek wasn't who she was either but, then again this night wasn't exactly something they knew. This was every raw emotion that they hadn't expected to experience at the age of sixteen seeping out of place. It was that thought that made him cling to her tightly. Of course, knocking Quinn up had been a wakeup call but this, this was something different all together. This was something that could have actually meant something if it had been at any different time.

"I know it's not Ana"

He said after a breath as he let go of her and braced himself above her leaning on his forearms as she lie on the transformers blanket. He watched her silently and he saw her coil under her gaze. She'd never liked to be looked at so intensely, he'd been yelled at on numerous occasions for doing exactly what he was doing. He couldn't stop himself though. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear with a small sigh exerted from his lips.

"I'm not expecting you to stay pregnant. you told me when we started two years ago that if this ever happened that would be your first stop. I guess I didn't expect you would ever tell me. I'm glad you did, don't get me wrong but, Santana, I'm worried about you. I know you're whole 'I'm tough' bull shit but are you really gonna be ok with this Ana? "

By the time he got his last words out her deep brown eyes were foggy with sleep and she looked like she was somewhere to far off to respond to. He kissed her lips one more time saving the moment as he unlaced their hands and rubbed his thumb over her stomach for a moment. this had been the last thing he'd expected. Sure, knocking up Santana probably would have been on his to do list for ten years down the line when he could have talked some sense into her. When she wasn't fully connected to the fact that the world revolved around Sue Sylvester, but, that was the future and Puck never thought that far down the road. The places you could go was too much of a vast thing to decide on the one thing for the rest of your life. Even if he understood why she wanted to do what she planned on doing or if he should have been relieved he didn't have to be the laughing stock of the school, it didn't matter, it all still hurt. Because she wasn't Quinn, because he'd cared about her from the day he'd held her hand through her mother's funeral service.

Letting go of her he stepped over her and bent beside her on his knees as he watched her sleep for a moment before tucking her in with the transformers quilt and kissing her head.

"I love you Ana, no matter what"

He whispered lifting her hand and placing it pretty picture perfectly over her stomach. For one night she could provide comfort to something that didn't know the difference. Another deep sigh escaped him as he reached for the pregnancy test slipping it back in the box and placing it in a neat pile with the rest of the papers from school and things thrown to the side of the tree house. while he organized the chaos so that she didn't have to wake up to it in the morning his eyes fell upon the abortion brochure and his throat tightened, he knew he needed to get over it. silently he picked it up and placed it on top of the photo of the two of them at the pizza place and his mother when they were eight. It felt like it was another life time ago when he thought about it now. He knew she didn't have much of a choice in her options. It was either have the abortion or be mocked though her last two years in high school. If she wasn't the whore more of the chicks wanted to be she was the one all the guys scored to get down on her knees. He knew it was the way she kept herself protected from him. never allowing him to have her completely. Just sex was close as she was willing to get. He wouldn't have been able to take everyone whispering 'slut' behind her back. He shook the thought from his mind as he turned to leave the tree house. From what he guessed they wouldn't be going into classes till late the next day, if could persuade her anyway. Shutting the door behind him he headed down the creaky old latter. He felt like he needed to go back up when his feet touched the bottom. He knew he couldn't. Had he been found with Santana, Quinn would have worked her ass off to make sure Santana was punished.

Rubbing the back of his neck he glanced back up the tree house and wondered if he was doing the right thing. Leaving her alone on a difficult night just to protect her reputation, it didn't seem like a really smart idea. But he knew better than to cross her. Walking into the house Puck laid his head against the fridge at sixteen he should have only been worrying about who's skirt was easiest to look up at cheerios practice, not, what to do between his girlfriend (if she was even that anymore he was still fuzzy on that) and his baby mama. Puck just didn't feel like himself after the events that had taken place in the early hours of morning. He turned to pick up some of the junk that was on the table till his hand stopped on Santana's backpack. Of course in her haze she'd forgotten to zip it. A second EPT box stuck out like a sore thumb only this one from what it seemed was un open. It wasn't like they needed any more proof. He went to zip her backpack, to keep anyone else from finding out what would eventually soon be just a nightmare. He wasn't sure which part about it was more of a nightmare. He sighed as he pulled the zipper closed till it got caught on a crumpled up piece of paper. It wasn't like Puck had ever stopped himself from reading her things before. Ironing out the white lined sheet his eyes noticed the salty water drip stains that blotched some of the writing. He could hardly make out anything on the paper. Bits of words like his own name and the word abortion, it was somewhere through the lines that he got the gist that she'd never planned on telling him. She'd never planned on making him feel the numb pain that had crept through his bones. He knew that had it not been to much for her to handle on her own she wouldn't have told him. He knew that in all of the times that they'd talked about what would happen if… it hadn't ever been real before this and they hadn't ever judged it the way it really was. It was so much more than either one of them had thought it would be. He tossed the paper back into her bag and shook his head. He needed sleep, if it was even going to be possible to sleep.

Looking at the shut door of his bedroom he shook his head. He really didn't feel like sleeping on the floor. He couldn't have cared less if that was the system Quinn had demanded when she'd arrived. Because if she needed him in the middle of the night he was supposed to be there for her, 'he'd knocked her up he could at least do her favors' according to her. He just didn't have it in him to listen to her first thing in the morning. He looked back and forth between his door and the door to the outside before taking the door to the left. Walking into the softly pained pink room he tiptoed over to the twin size bed and pushed his little sister over. So he and the nine year old weren't exactly on close brother and sister terms all the time they did have their moments.

"Hey jellybean move over"

He whispered as the little brunette rolled over in her sleep leaving Puck enough room to sleep for a few hours. He pulled the High School musical quilt over him and closed his eyes hoping that sleep would eventually drift his way.


	2. Foil in the Plans

Manda's Note: thanks so much for the reviews darlings. Trust me, I know where I'm going with this and it won't be your usual lame drama of 'what if Puck knocked up two girls.' this isn't one tree hiill 0-:-) just keep reading and enjoy. leave me your thoughts

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Santana hadn't missed a cheerio practice ever, in her nearly two full years of slipping into the red and white uniform she'd worn it with pride. There was a first time for everything though, she guessed. Now, it was the middle of the day and there she was, breaking into Puck's bedroom window like she'd done time and time again. She didn't have the energy for Cheerio's practice, something that Sue would without a doubt not be too pleased about. For once in her life she couldn't have given less of a damn about what Sue Sylvester had to say. She was to tired and too far in her own mind to be caught up in whatever the demands were that Sue was asking her to go along with this time. Using all the upper body strength she had she pulled herself through the window and sat on the ledge of it for a moment before squeezing though it. She couldn't have cared less if she was pulling stitches on her Cheerios uniform, the only thing she could think about was snuggling herself into his bed under the transformers quilt and closing her eyes for a little while. It was bad when she hadn't even been able to help Britt recall her middle name on cue. Normally she could have jumped in and saved her marshmallow, there was something in the fog and sleepiness that kept her from doing so. Slipping down from the window sill Santana pulled down the zipper on her uniform and kicked it into a pile of Puck's clothes as she pulled on one of his tee shirts and searched around a minute for her jeans. Pulling them on she could feel it, the tightness that she wanted to just ignore. The button felt snug and the feeling of that made her feel so sick that the moment she slipped her contacts out her hand was clasped over her mouth and she was headed to the bathroom.

On her knees in front of the toilet the few bits of Doritos she'd eaten were working their way back up her throat. She was sick of this, the sickness was never ending no matter what time of day it was. Wiping her mouth with toilet paper she slid back from sitting on her knees after flushing the toilet. she should have been more careful, messes like this was the type of thing she never wanted to deal with. She'd dealt with plenty she didn't feel like handling in her life, this was all a new level. Leaning her head down on the cool of the tub she sat there frozen, her mind stuck on everything she was dealing with. She needed to block herself off from feeling but she needed sleep first, sleep in Puck's bed while she could get it before Quinn came back to claim her spot in the house. Rinsing her mouth at the sink she reached for her glasses out of the medicine closet and slipped them on glancing at her reflection. Not even the makeup she had on could hide the look of share exhaustion that lingered in her eyes.

"Looking like the walking dead isn't going to get you anywhere Santana, stop being a fucking gum drop none of this means shit. This pregnancy is nothing."

She mumbled to herself as she pulled the door the rest of the way open and blinked through sleepy eyes. at least, she told herself she was only sleepy. The slight depression that was beginning to break though was something she tried with everything in her to ignore. She wasn't acting like herself and she knew it thought. Had she been acting like herself she would have been fooling around with someone in the locker room rather than curling herself into a ball in Puck's bed. Before she knew it, sleep was starting to take over and her hands held tight fists to the transformers quilt.

"Ana… Santana…. Sweetie wake up. You're talking in your sleep San. Ana its ok"

She could hear the voice and she could feel the shaking but she couldn't figure out where it was coming from. All she could see was the weird shiny white lights around her. The silk blanket that graced her finger tips, finger tips that splotched and wet with blood. As her eyes adjusted to the bright light she saw that the silky blue blanket in her hands had the same spatter on it. It wasn't the same dream that had followed her year after year following her mother's 'accident'. This was completely new on its own and there was something about it that told her it didn't have anything to do with her mother. Then, in the distance she could hear it. The crying sounded further and further away and no matter which way she turned to find it all she was surrounded in was just the color white as crimson tides seemed to come from every angle. But the other voice was slowly becoming louder. The voice that was calling and begging for her, she could almost make out who the voice belonged to and it wasn't long before the shaking made her eyes suddenly blink open and the room came into view. She was laying in Puck's bed still the only difference, Jane Puckerman shaking her shoulders with an overly concerned look on her face.

"God Ana, your screaming had me worried about you sweetheart"

Jane soothed as she tucked a strand of hair behind Santana's ear, it made her feel like she was a child, after coming out of the state she'd been in her dream it felt good. Her eyes still thick with a hazy cloud of sleep as she did her best to focus on Jane's face. The images from her dream were slowly slipping away. Lifting her hand she looked to make sure the blood wasn't actually on them. It'd been so vivid in her dreams, she could still feel the last contorts of pain in her joints. The whole concept made Santana shiver as she pulled the transformers quilt up to her neck.

"Where is he?"

Still lucid in her dream Santana put her hands over her eyes feeling her hitched breathing and the rasp from screaming. Her mumble suddenly didn't make sense and she could tell with the look in Jane's eyes that Jane hadn't understood it either. All Santana knew was that she'd let herself get to close to something in her dream and it'd had some sort of effect on her when it was gone. A chill ran up her spine as a wave of nausea claimed her causing her to jump away from Jane's touch and instantly get to her feet. She battled vertigo the whole short walk to the bathroom, her hand sliding against cool paint for balance as she for the third time of the day dropped to her knees to dry heave. Only this time her hair was caught and her glasses were removed by the only person that remembered them. His cool fingers drew circles on the back of her neck.

"Shh, it's ok Ana. I'm right here Santana… ma? How long's she been here?"

Puck whispered as she gagged. After spending a little while longer with her face downward she gave up finally and crumpled back against his chest. Sitting in the middle of his cross legged lap she put her head back against his shoulder as he brushed the tears from the corners of her eyes before they fell down her cheeks. Hands were planted firmly on her abdomen and had she been any less aware she'd of thought it was less obvious then it was. She didn't have the energy to try and protest.

"For hours Noah, sleeping on and off, throwing up when she's not sleeping… mostly Noah, she's mumbling about the baby. Wouldn't happen to know anything about this baby would you? Because between her screaming at the blood and looking for the baby I was beginning to think that she was having a miscarriage and for that to happen Noah… Santana would have to be pregnant wouldn't she?"

Looking back and forth between the two teenagers on the floor neither one of them made even the slightest effort to deny the roundabout accusation. Instead the panic in Puck's eyes looked even greater than it had before to Santana. The words that had come from Jane's mouth hadn't reached her ears, instead she was stuck on his hand rubbing slow circles on her stomach. For once the button that had come unsnapped on the top of her jeans had been due to something other than puck being a sneaky bastard. None the less she felt comfort in his hands. Comfort in the way he was trying so hard to sooth her. Slowly though, Jane's words hit her little by little and she felt herself once again freezing up and shutting down her emotions.

"We're not keeping it Ma"

Puck said without looking up at the woman standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. It wasn't like he needed to look at her to see her foot tapping or the classic case of disappointment in her eye. He'd already gotten to know those looks, when Quinn had come through the door he'd met them first and with a fragile Ana shaking in his arms he wasn't really in the best mind set to meet them again. It wasn't like he needed to meet them again, they weren't keeping the baby. Santana had made that quite clear, she didn't want to stay pregnant. Some stupid dream wasn't going to change her mind. He'd seen the fire in her eyes about it when she'd told him she was ending it. A little bit of blood in a dream wasn't going to change it.

"You can't keep having kids for all the couples that can't have them Noah"

Had that actually been the plan he might have cracked a smile at her. He might have attempted the smallest laugh at his mother's weak attempt to deal with her son's accidents. Instead he rubbed his thumb against Santana's stomach and fought her grip that was trying to get him to stop so that she could disconnect herself from the issues at hand. He wasn't about to let it go. If he was going to be completely honest with his mother than the least she could do would be to at least to look his mother in the eyes and see what the news was doing to everyone around them.

"Ana doesn't want to be pregnant and, she doesn't , um… she doesn't plan on staying pregnant."

With the words that came out of his mouth he watched as his mother turned her back on the two of them. It didn't take long to hear the slam of the back door or the car to start. Every inch of her felt tense and frozen as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. Every inch of Santana was completely frozen and his attempts to revive her out of her thoughts did no better as he sat there looking across the room

* * *

She wasn't even out of her car yet when he opened the door to the house and stepped out into the front steps. Something that wasn't a usual, he was usually in his bedroom lying on his bed listening to classical Jazz when she got there. Matt was an only child being raised by a young mother by herself. She worked both first and second shift and he was alone nearly the whole time. Matt had always been a loner on the inside dragged into the chaos of things by Puck who was relentless to getting everyone to fit in. one of the many reasons she loved the stupid mohawked moron. She and Matt had an odd relationship, Matt had always been there but, he just wasn't Puck. He'd always been there for her and had she been any less Santana she might have felt bad for using him. What she did feel bad for though was the night after Puck had told her Quinn was pregnant, she'd gone straight to Matt and actually cried in front of him. That night, he'd told her he loved her. Saying 'I love you' was something irrevocable and yet she was still using him. His feelings for her were things she would never reciprocate to him and he knew it, yet, he kept the door and the invitation open to her anyway.

"Hey baby girl"

Matt whispered as he grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the car picking her up and spinning her slightly. It was a usual greeting from Matt but for some reason it felt different this time, not just that but, his usual choice of words made her cringe. Right in the instant she regretted even so much as leaving Puck's house. He'd made her so angry, the last thing she wanted was for his mother to find out. Putting his hand on the side of her face Matt tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead causing her to put her walls up even more then they'd been up prior. Matt wasn't allowed to kiss her, he was allowed to touch her above the waist and she was only allowed to go down on him and nothing more. They'd decided that the first time they'd tried to go all the way. She knew too well that Puck would have hated that. Puck could think all he wanted that she slept with everyone and anyone but the truth was he was one of the only ones she'd gone all the way with.

"Puck called me."

She should have seen it coming. Of course Puck had done so, butting his head in where it didn't belong seemed to be his life's motto lately. Part of her knew it was only because he knew given the chance she'd do something completely out of character and rash. It was just the way she was. It was the reason she'd fixed her makeup for most of the football team more than once. Santana didn't like listening to directions, she'd never exactly done it all that well. she looked at Matt as she backed out of his grip and walked to his front porch to sit down. It didn't seem as if he'd want her going down on him any time in the next few hours. Knowing Puck he'd forbidden him from touching her.

"What'd he tell you?"

Leaned her head on her hand and bit the inside of her cheek, she should have just gone to someone else to make her feel better. Someone Puck wouldn't have gotten in touch with. Hell even sleeping with Finn again would have made her feel better than 'talking about her feelings' with Matt. And sleeping with Finn was one of the biggest regrets she knew. A sigh spilled out of her lips as she laid her head against the house looking out across the street as she waited for him to start talking.

"I told you to be careful San."

Glaring at him she started to stand up. if she'd stayed at Puck's she would have gotten almost the same parts of disappointment that she was suddenly getting here with Matt. then again it shouldn't have been a surprise to her, Matt's behavior, she'd broken his heart and now he had to watch as the pieces all fell into a million pieces. Just as she'd watched from the sidelines as baby gate broke. That was when it occurred to her here she was pushing Matt to be in the same position she'd been in with Puck and Quinn only, she wasn't anything like Quinn. the thoughts made her shutter as she stood in front of him.

"I shouldn't have come here Matt. you're obviously not going to make me feel any better."

Sneering out she couldn't help herself as she turned around and Matt caught her wrist in his hand. she didn't care as she pushed him back and did almost everything she could to get control of her own wrist. all she wanted was someone to make her feel better for a little while. someone who'd allow her to forget her own name. she crossed her arms over her chest and turned to head back to the car.

"Think about what you're doing before you do it San. I know you love him and I know that the last thing you want to do is to push him into the arms of Quinn. because I'm telling your right now that if I were in Puck's place I wouldn't forgive you for it."

Before she knew what she was doing Santana's right hand had flung up and she'd hit him as hard as her hand could swing across the face. The remorse that came wasn't something she allowed to show through her well built up wall. Matt wasn't one of the ones that normally got to see the other side of her and she wasn't about to begin that now. This was something that she'd hardly allow Puck to see. Pausing on her way to the car she turned around and looked at him.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that this mistake doesn't involve you.

* * *

Puck sat in his kitchen alone with his mother. The look she was giving him felt like she was trying to burn a hole right through his skin. He could see what she was trying to say in her eyes before any of the words had left her mouth. It'd been an hour after she'd stormed out that she'd finally come home with a new pack of cigarettes and KFC for dinner in hand. With his little sister at a friend's house and Quinn having a first time in a long time meeting with her older sister it'd left Puck alone to feel his mother's wrath. Of course Santana hadn't bothered to come home when he'd texted her to, then again he'd pretty much from the moment he'd hit the send button known that she wouldn't have any intention to do so. Getting yelled at and lectured was something she hid from as much as she could.

"When you told me that you'd gotten Quinn Fabray pregnant Noah I'd been hurt. I was sure that my sixteen year old son had ruined his life. Between what you and Quinn had done to your lives and how you'd destroyed your friendship with Finn… Noah I was more than anything worried about you. I didn't ever want to see you have to go through any of this. This time Noah, I'm so disappointed in both you and Ana. You both are taking this whole thing so lightly. As though it's all some big joke to the both of you, you of all people, Noah Gabriel Puckerman, should know that this isn't something that you can just blink an eye at and erase. No matter how hard you wish something away its still going to be lingering and lasting affects to this choice your making. Do you realize that you and Santana are going to have to live the rest of your lives with a sheen of 'what if's' lingering over your heads. Honey, this decision is the biggest decision of both of your lives. it's not something you can just decide on a snap."

The hardest part about listening to his mother's rant was knowing that every word out of her mouth was right. He knew that he'd always wonder what it would have been like and what if it'd all been different. The honest truth was that nothing was going to change. They way things were was the way things would stay. It wasn't who Santana was. He rested his head in his hands allowing the thoughts to engulf his mind, something he'd been afraid to do from the moment the stick had shown the plus sign. He knew that he could both think about it and analyze it to death but no matter what was going on in his mind it wouldn't have been the same thing going on in her mind. She was already strongly set on what she 'had' to do. if there was one thing he'd learned about Ana from the start was the fact that she made her own decision and no one could change her mind on them.

"Ma, if she'd of had it her way she would have told you that it wasn't mine. You know how Santana is mom. Her life is her life and she hates letting anyone in. On the inside Ana's still that eight year old girl who watched her mother get struck and killed by a car. She's built her walls around that and you and I both know that she doesn't let anyone in there. She's not strong like she wants to believe and this is over her head. This is over both of our heads but, how am I supposed to force her to do something she doesn't want to do? She doesn't want to be pregnant and she doesn't want to have this baby. It's not that we're not trying to take responsibility for our actions it's that this is what she wants."

He could see it in his mother's face then. Her realizing that it wasn't him that had a single say in the options, Santana knew what she wanted (or at least what she thought she wanted) and there was no changing her mind on it.

"She wants a life mom. She doesn't want a kid dragging her down and I would never insist on something she doesn't want. What kind of a life would that be for her? What kind of a life would that be for any of us?"

Looking at her son she couldn't see the child she'd raised. In that moment her seventeen year old for once in his life seemed like an adult. As though he really was slowly learning from the mistakes he'd made. The only thing she could do then was to stand up from her chair and walk around the table to pull him into a tight hug. Although he made his mistakes like everyone else did for a moment in time he was noticing that he needed to learn from them. Hugging him in the moment she could feel her shoulder dampening. He hadn't been this emotional when he'd told her that he'd gotten Quinn pregnant. When it came to Santana she was a completely different subject, she'd known it from the second she'd found the eight year old snuggled up to her son with tears dried on her face hours after burying her mother. They'd always been mature for their ages. This was just something that they'd never been faced with.

"I'm sorry mom"

He whispered through his slow sobs that he couldn't hold in any longer. She wasn't the one that needed his apologies, he and Santana had been the un careful ones and now they were paying for their actions. Jane Puckerman knew that there wasn't anything she could do to help either one of them. they were the only ones who could make their own decisions in life.

"Next time baby, when you both are in your twenties and you've gotten through school you'll be back in this predicament. You'll both be ready and willing for it next time."

She said as she kissed the side of his head.

* * *

Feeling like she was going to drop Santana shut off the engine of the car and pulled the key out of the ignition. All she wanted to do was to climb the ladder to the tree house and crawl up into a ball and sleep for as long as she possibly could. She'd driven home and parked in her driveway but she hadn't found it in her to be bothered to actually go inside, her father was home from a business trip and he without a doubt would have some type of liquor in his system making him ready to strike at any moment. Regardless if ending it was what she planned on doing she did want some say in the matter. With the mood she'd been in all day a fight with her father without a doubt have sent her to the emergency room. That wasn't exactly the way she wanted to wake Puck up. So instead she'd backed out of the driveway and headed right back to where she belonged. Right back to his house, sleeping in the tree house hadn't ever bothered her. She just hoped he'd left the Transformers blanket outside. Shutting the car door quiet as she could she started to head into the backyard till the movements of someone beside her made her freeze up.

"Sweetheart, its two o'clock in the morning. Would it kill you to get a little bit of sleep?"

Jane's voice flowed into her ears and she couldn't move. This wasn't what she wanted to deal with so late at night. Rolling her eyes up to the night sky before turning her head to look at Jane she saw the older woman had moved over and was waiting for her to come sit beside her on the stoop. It wasn't like Santana could go anywhere else. She wouldn't have anyway. Jane was probably mad at her enough for the things that had happened and the plans she'd made. With hesitation she debated for a moment before walking over to Jane's open arms. The nearly seventeen year old was pulled into a tight hug, like the ones she'd gotten every time Jane had guessed she was thinking about her mother.

"I wish you two had been more careful. I wish that I didn't have to watch the two of you go through this. "

Jane whispered in her ear and she felt herself breaking. Besides Puck, Jane had been the only other one to get through her roughly built up walls. She'd been the one to take care of all the scraps and bruises, this without a doubt was the biggest bruise she'd ever gotten in a figurative way. She could handle the physical pain that her dad had brought to her on almost a daily basis but, what she couldn't handle was the way this felt. How Jane hardly had to so much as open her mouth for Santana to feel every inch of disappointment the emanated from her. With every word that she'd listened to through the afternoon and evening Santana couldn't help but question herself on why she was the way she was. What she was thinking when she'd started on the downward spiral her life had taken on. She'd thought about it all as she'd laid in Brittany's bed letting the younger and slightly slower blonde brush her hair and tell her a story.

"Listen Ana, I don't like doing this but if it's what you and Puck want than next Friday after you two get home from regional's we'll take a drive to Indiana. That should give the both of you plenty of time to decide if this abortion really is what's best for the both of you."

She couldn't hold it in then. Nothing would have helped, not even the guys on the football team. She'd never been quite so broken down in her life. Hearing the word abortion come from Jane's lips had made the tears that had been forming in her eyes push over the edge. As the seventeen year old broke down completely Jane held the girl she'd once used to tuck into bed.

"Its ok sweetheart"

Jane whispered softly as she rocked back and forth rubbing the brunette's back. For years she'd seen nothing but the broken side of Ana, she'd listened to the stories of the two of them fighting and the things they both did. Things that made her cringe, then again no mother really wanted to know anything about what their children did when they weren't around. regardless of all of that she couldn't separate herself from the teenager in her arms, from just how broken down she was due to this catastrophe. It wasn't that she couldn't say that she didn't expect this to happen someday but, Jane had wished otherwise. Seeing both of the kids so destroyed made her feel as though she didn't work as hard to protect them as she should have. She should have tried harder after the first time she'd found them in his bedroom.

The door in back of her opened and shut and she knew just by the tired shuffle that it was her son. Santana's sleepy haze only pushed her further into sleep as Puck took a seat on the side of his mother and Jane nodded her head for him to take her. he pulled the sleeping girl onto his lap and her head lulled onto his shoulder as he leaned his head down and kissed her forehead it was then in the shine of the moonlight that he saw the shimmery streaked tears that were drying down her cheeks.

"I hate that I did this to her"

He whispered and Jane glanced over at him and saw the same water rising in his own eyes. It wasn't like she could go back in time and prevent any of this from happening. What was done was done and it wasn't a simple fix. They were both fully to blame for the consequence. Puck hardly even felt like himself anymore, it had been days since he'd had the ambition to find anyone to make him feel better.

"Take her to bed Puck, she needs all the energy she can get now."


	3. Key is to Not Want

Manda's Note: This took far longer than I'd expected it to and I'm not sure why. Let me just explan how this works before you start reading. The bolded words are from Funk. and the flashback in italics is back around the time of GaGa. I like this part and I should have posted it before, I know but I didn't think of it till first chapter was already out. so read review and above all... Enjoy!

* * *

**"Today we're gonna talk about regrets: who has some?"**

_His speech to the no good blonde slut who'd screwed up all of their lives by getting knocked up had rubbed her the wrong way. Although what she hadn't expected was to feel herself tear up over it. Not because it was sweet or touching but because she was worried she was going to lose him. Losing him was something she couldn't even bear to think about at the moment, her thoughts made her cringe at herself. Why the hell was she being such a sap. Normally Santana would have just retaliated by grabbing Matt off of the silver stool and dragging him into a closet somewhere to make her own pain his joy. She'd done it to many times to count in the past two years. This time though, as she wiped her black Gaga makeup on the back of her hand and felt the salty tears dampen her fingers she knew that if she were alone with Matt he'd see her, something she really didn't feel like dealing with or trying to explain. Instead, Santana held her right pinky out without a lot of patients as she pulled a half asleep Brittany who had been swaying to the along with her out of the room. Santana was on a rampage as she pulled her marshmallow by the pinky through the crowds of people to the girls locker room. It was nearly cheerio time, turning her tears into anger sounded good._

_"Tigger I was taking a nap, you woke me up. I like listening to Pucky and Mike sing. They make me forget about the cramps."_

_Brittany cringed as Santana stared at her rolling her eyes for a second. Looking at her still with a perplexed look on her face something occurred to Santana and her mind did a mental check of Brittany's schedule. she didn't have gym before glee club, she didn't have anything that… as Brittany started to go through her backpack in search of something Santana leaned over her shoulder trying to figure out exactly what she was looking for. As the items such as the stuffed cow and the matchbox car came flying out of the locker Santana looked at the blonde with confused eyes. Brittany was sitting in the middle of the locker room floor throwing items out here and there till she seemed to come across what she was looking for._

_"I don't know why you call it a friend Ana, its mean and it hurts. Can we just go snuggle and sleep? We can get chocolate shakes like you like! Don't you have it too Santana? We always both have it."_

_Santana had completely zoned out as she'd watched Brittany rummaging through her bag till she had the tampons in hand. Her mind was calculating and counting, she and Britt had been in sync from the moment Britt had gotten hers in eighth grade. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she counted the weeks back, six weeks… she hadn't had it in six weeks. her mind started to panic then. The only thing she could remember from over six weeks ago was him going after the house everyone called Mercedes. The fight that she'd ensued with him had resulted in a night at the boathouse down near the lake with him trying to convince her that she came before everyone else. That included his baby mama. How could she not believe him? The night she'd stolen Finn's virginity he'd picked her up from the motel and made the night one she didn't so much shutter at. She'd been so trusting of him that night, she'd always been trusting of him and that damn Transformers quilt. Every muscle in her body felt frozen till Britt had bounced back into the changing area with her hand out for Motrin or Midol or anything else that would take her pain away. Instead Brittany was yanked by the pinky to the door of the locker room._

_"Wait! Tigger wait! Where are we going? Becky's waiting for us. We can't leave her with those people! It's like throwing her to vicious man eating ducks! Let's bring her with us San, she'll be quiet like Monkers is when he's in the back of your car."_

_The blonde whined on about her stuffed monkey as Santana let her pinky go with a sigh that said, 'go but make it fast'. It was either that or she'd have to listen to Brittany worry about Becky being alone with the stuck up vouchers for the rest of the afternoon. Santana had enough to worry about without Britt's yapping. Ana slammed her head back against the stone wall in back of her. How could she be late? How could she have let this happen? Sure, she and Puck weren't exactly on top of protection but every morning she popped her pill at the same time that Britt took her Nemo vitamin. Santana was the only one looking out for herself, she always took care of herself, how could she have allowed this to happen? Maybe she was just panicking over nothing. It had to be called morning sickness for a reason, her being late and her throwing up after Jane made dinner the other night couldn't have had anything to do with one another. She pulled herself from her thoughts as her blonde best friend finally walked back up with her arm attached to a smaller blonde's._

_She didn't say two words to the girls trailing slightly in back of her, her mind was too busy. She could hear their quiet conversation of, 'Coach isn't going to like this' 'It's ok Becky, we can listen to Santana'. Sometimes Brittany was too loyal for her own sake. Santana should have felt guilty, but, as she ushered the two girls into the backseat of her car the fact that she could use them to her advantage hit her. Backing out of the parking lot and driving down the street a little ways she idled the car on a side street and turned to look in back of her._

_"Listen Becky… Coach Sylvester needs you to do her a favor. The only thing is, you can't tell anyone what you're going to do and you have to make it fast. Don't mention it to anyone. You have to go in there and buy two pregnancy tests and come right back out."_

_With her voice shaking on the word pregnancy she expected Britt to say something instead the only thing Britt did was raise her left hand. Something that made Santana scratch her head for a moment._

_"Britt?"_

_Her best friend bounced in her seat for a moment before breaking a smile on her face and looping her arm through Becky's again._

_"Can I go with her Tigger?"_

_Sighing slightly at her best friend's childish ways she gave up and waved Britt out the car door too. It wasn't like being completely by herself was going to do her any harm._

* * *

_Dropping her backpack in the kitchen she double checked to make sure it was zipped tight. The last thing she needed was anyone to accidently find the items in her back pack. She'd dropped Becky and Brittany off at Britt's house with happy meals – with no onion (something Britt had been asking for since her style suggestion to Tina). Now she was at Puck's house. A place that at the moment she wasn't quite sure she wanted to be. As she heard the sounds coming from the living room her mind changed, she could hear him and his little sister what she assumed to be sitting on the couch playing super Mario. A sound that unbelievably for Santana Lopez had always made her smile. The way he was so easy to make his little sister laugh, the way he was completely different from the asshole he was at school. It was a side of him that no one else would ever understand. One she'd been lucky enough to get to know right off the bat. No one would have imagined that Puck had a side like this to him. A non womanizing, sweet, caring side._

_"Does Quinn have to sleep here again tonight Noah?"_

_She could hear the nine year old's whine voice as she walked into the living room. neither one of the Puckerman's turned their attention from the game as Santana slid into her spot between them, laying down with her head in Puck's lap and her legs carelessly thrown across Li's lap she attempted to forget about the stress and the worry for a few moments. She's spent many hours in this same position over the years. Watching the two of them play videos while she went off in her own little world . This was a side that not many people ever got to see of her. A side that people like Finn Hudson had forgotten existed all together._

_"Sorry Squirt, the bitch is stuck here for a while still."_

_With the cuss that slipped from his lips Santana extended a fist in a place that made Puck cringe and want to retract his spoken words. The only reason she was protesting him calling Quinn a bitch was because it was in front of the eight year old. She'd always had an issue about his mouth in front of his baby sister and she never had a problem with calling him on the issue. For someone who never had an issue with the things she said at any other time around anyone there'd always been something about Puck's little sister that shut her up. A reminder of the innocence that she didn't have maybe?_

_"Ana, Quinn's so grouchy all the time. She wouldn't even let me feel the baby kick last night. If you and Puck had a baby in your tummy you'd let me feel wouldn't you Ana?"_

_Looking at the baby faced eight year old she felt her nerves rise up in her throat as she turned her head and gave Puck a glare. Had he just kept it in his pants she wouldn't have had to respond to such questions. had he not been such an ass then she might not have wanted to kill a girl she'd once upon a time called a friend of hers. Tearing her eyes away from Puck she looked back at Li and her features softened. Rebecca Liron Puckermen was a weakness to her just like her brother was. Something that no matter how much she wished it changed it never did and Santana was pretty sure it wouldn't ever._

_"Noah's smarter than that; he wouldn't get me pregnant Li. He knows I'd make him absolutely miserable."_

_As the words slip from her mouth she almost chokes on every syllable that comes out. Mostly because it occurs to her that it's not his life that it's going to change, at least, it's not just his life. Because sure, they've talked about the 'what if', on the off chance, something happened and she was knocked up. She'd made it plenty clear to him that she had a future mapped out. Whether it included him or not she knew what she wanted and exactly what she wanted. What that all didn't quite include though was a kid attached to her hip. it wasn't walking around school looking like she had a fucking watermelon stuffed under her shirt. Hot, sexy, strong willed Santana Lopez didn't do that, nor, would she cave for someone like him. Regardless if she'd loved him from the day they'd met. She didn't melt for even him._

_"I'm going to take a shower"_

_For once in the Puckerman house (since the age of fourteen) anyway she announced without a double meaning as she pulled herself off of the couch and headed to the green and grey bathroom down the small hallway. Leaving brother and little sister back to their game, or rather, back to Li pestering Puck while he played his stupid game. The two Puckermen's Sat in complete silence for a while. Only the sound of tv blazing sounded through the house until the familiar sound of Barbie girl played out from Santana's cell phone. By the eighth time the song played out Puck had killed his game because of it. With a complaint elicited from his mouth he got up off of the couch and dragged himself into the kitchen to find her backpack, grumbling about making her pay for losing his game the whole way there. Barbie girl was still playing as he unzipped her bag and started to dig through for it. his fingers slipping across the edge of the cardboard made him pull his hand out quickly to inspect the minor cut that had come from his cell phone search. Being the intrusive ass he normally was with his non injured hand he unzipped her backpack only for his mouth to fall open at the sight. Early Pregnancy Test was written in purple across the side of the flimsy cardboard box._

_He felt every muscle in his body tense then. A sudden shade of red hot anger coloring his view of everything, anger toured himself for making the same mistake a second time, anger at her for letting it happen and for not taken better percussions. Without being in control of himself Puck stalked his way to the bathroom and banged on the door. When it turned up no results the red sheen in front of his eyes only seemed to get darker as he twisted the door handle enough to get the lock on the door to budge and give way. Before he could connect with what was going on he was standing face to face with Santana, her head leaning against the sink as leaned over, a towel wrapped around her body, the shower water pouring down in back of her to mask the tears that streamed down her face. Santana Lopez didn't cry in front of people. Santana Lopez didn't cry period._

_"Why didn't you tell me you thought you were pregnant?"_

_Before Puck could even think of what was coming out of his mouth the words had left him. Which resorted in the normally fearless Latina lifting her head, wiping away her tears on the back of her hand, and glaring at him. She didn't need to share her every thought with him. She'd made that quite clear in the beginning of it all. They weren't a couple, he was supposed to be playing his sick and twisted game of house with the stupid slut. She didn't need to check with him before she did things. She sure as hell didn't need to share her feelings with him, he wasn't fucking Doctor Phill._

_"Why the fuck are you in here? I knew I should have just stayed with Brittany."_

_She snared at him trying to figure out why exactly he'd been going though her things. He'd lost the rights to any part of her the day he'd fucked little miss sunshine._

_"Of course… run right back to her"_

_"Well at least she can't knock me up."_

* * *

Rembering how they'd gotten from that afternoon to laying in the tree house that night Santana still couldn't remember. all she knew was that she didn't regret it. she hadn't even wanted him to take any sort of responsibility for it. the pregnancy, it was all on her shoulders, it was her body and that was the way it was going to stay. She'd have the abortion and their mistakes would just all be part of the past. She didn't have any anger to him over it and she wasn't in a funk. Funk… the word that spun through her mind brought her slowly back into the conversation in front of her. of course she shouldn't have been remotely surprised when it was Quinn's big mouth doing what she now did best.

**"Thinking 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option"**

Did she know how to shut her god damn mouth and stop complaining? That seemed to be the only thing Quinn knew how to do anymore. Listening to the words slip from the blonde's mouth Santana couldn't resist rolling her eyes as she glanced at her nails from where she laid across the chairs in the Glee room. It was hard to believe that the bubble headed blonde had once been the one she followed everything for. Now she couldn't stand the words that slipped out of her mouth. She couldn't even suck up her complains and she pinned her anger and rage on everyone who wasn't herself. Everything she did wrong was everyone else's faults and never her own. Santana's anger started to absorb her as she sat in the moment.

With her self conscious completely taken over Santana wrapped an arm around her middle. At least she took responsibility for her actions. She knew that the last thing she wanted was a kid. She wasn't going to stay pregnant and bitch to everyone around her about the mistakes that she'd made and, she wasn't about to blame Puck solely for the things that had occurred. She knew that it took two to get to the position she was in. She'd been a very willing participant in the actions that led her to the way she was. She'd be just as willing a participant in what would occur in just about two weeks. The sooner that took place the sooner she could continue on with her life and be normal, she'd never have to become anything like Quinn. unintentionally she rolled her eyes at the sound of Quinn's voice.

**"Besides creeping us out – why are you telling us this?"**

Those who reviewed without any sort of login

Kaan - thanks for your review, I hope your still reading.

nlf88 - thanks for the review! sorry it took so long.


	4. Remember to Breathe

Manda's Note: Ok so again, the bolded words in the second half are from Funk, if you recall or if you go back and watch the scene is in there I just tweeked it to what I see when I watch it. Please leave me your thoughts and your revies they mean a lot to me.

oh and before I forget my other story Ice and Ladybugs will be multi chapter soon as I coordinate it all. and! the next chapter of Yep Sure Did is going to be out but I'm debating on putting in two parts from the ep so soon as I decide you'll have that one too.

* * *

Spending the night at home hadn't been as bad as she'd expected. Her father home from one of his business trips (who knew plastic surgeons could need so many) his abuse for the night had only been verbal rather than physical. She could take being called a whore and asked why she wasn't out screwing some guy. More than anything it made her stop and wonder why she wasn't. Then she yawned and remembered, that took a lot more effort and energy then she had. So she'd just smirked and mouthed off right back to him. her tired laziness accompanied with her spit fire made her feel almost invincible to be able to lay on the chocolate brown sectional while he told her she was nothing more than a worthless piece of shit. Santana couldn't recall much of the mumbling that went on as she'd started to drift off to sleep. All she knew was that she'd woken up to a cut of his check on the table for her to survive off of the next month. It wasn't anything new or anything different. Only difference that seemed to hold fit was the massive migraine that made her head feel like it was vibrating in pain.

The drive to Puck's house had been a tough one; it was hard to see the road when there seemed to be jagged and wavy lines everywhere she looked. Somehow she'd made it there without an accident. Made it there only to find out he'd left with Quinn and Mercedes when Mercedes's mother had come to pick Quinn up for school. Had her head not been pounding she might have complained about him not calling to tell her, but, that wasn't exactly easy with her head glued down to the cool wooden table top.

"I had migraines all the time when I was pregnant with Noah."

Jane said as she placed a cup of hot tea down in front of Santana and a cool face cloth to the back of her neck. Somehow she'd been good about the whole thing. Even with the disappointment that the pair had put in front of her. Jane had always been good to her, like the mother who'd been taken away from her all too soon. In so many ways Santana hadn't ever felt guiltier then telling Jane, or rather, then Puck telling Jane. She'd trusted them both and yet they'd still managed to screw up. Sighing she turned her head the slightest bit to look up at Jane through the blurred lines.

"I need to call and make your appointment Ana, you sure you still want to go through with it?"

Lifting her head the slightest bit she jammed her fingers into her temples trying to make the throbbing stop. Sensations that weren't about to give and go away with the drop of the hat. Just like the morning sickness and the weight gain, the feeling of being constantly tired, as sick of the symptoms she was she knew better then to bitch about them. Just like she knew better then to get attached to anything that was taking place inside of her, she kept herself as far away from it as she could.

"Positive, I can't stay pregnant. Puck and I aren't ready for this, he's got enough on his plate with Quinn. I know we've done it to ourselves but why punish a kid in the long run? Why let them go through hell for the rest of their life just because Puck and I were stupid and careless? I mean, things don't last forever Jane. How would that even be remotely fair? I don't mean it the way its sounding but Puck and I… we've both had not so great childhoods and why would I want to do that to my own?"

The talking and subject matter were only making her head worse as the whole thing made her stomach tie up in knots. She didn't like thinking about what was going on inside of her body. Even more than that, she didn't like referring to it has hers, that made it all too much more real. The way Jane looked at her she knew that she didn't have much more of a choice then to think about it for the first time since she found out, to think about exactly what it was and exactly what it meant. Instantly she regretted her decision to sit and listen. She should have just gone straight to school without any stops. Britt, who'd been brought by Mike, had to be waiting for her in a blunder of confusion. She was tougher than the migraine, she should have just pushed it aside and pretended like she was fine.

"Besides Jane… we're still kids ourselves. We can't raise a baby, we can't have a child. How many kids that you know that were born to teenage parents have actually come out right and not screwed up? How many teenage parents get to carry out what they really want? We've got plans Jane… he and I both do. I want to be a lawyer, I want to go to USC for cheer, and he wants to work in the NICU. He's never told you that but he does. He wants to be a doctor so that you're proud of him. Having this baby… we'll never get what we want. We'll end up with dead end jobs and hating one another. I don't want that. …I love him too much for that."

Admitting she loved him to anyone was tough regardless if it was the truth. In their own twisted ways they really honestly did love another. Maybe that was one of the reasons it was so easy to hurt one another. Also, maybe that was the reason she was as beginning to find thinking about what was happening inside of her body harder and tenser to think about. All she knew was that she needed Jane to make the appointment. Once the appointment was made there'd be no backing out of what she most needed to do.

"Sweetheart, I can't consent to anything until I know that you're alright with your decision. This isn't a decision that you two can change your mind on once you make. If you have this abortion there's no going back on it, there's no changing the outcome. I don't want to see you of all people live with that regret for the rest of your life. I know… I know how much you aspire to be but, I also know how proud your mother would be of you for every decision you've already made in your life… almost every decision. This decision is no different, but, you need to look at all of your options and the consequences for those actions. Am I jumping for joy at any of this? no. But, I don't want to see you and Noah any more hurt than you already are and I don't want to see you holding any resentment for one another."

School, damnit, school sounded so good, bossing around the selfish bitches that made up the rest of the Cheerios sounded good. anything but having to sit there and listen to Jane tell the truth sounded good, because she knew that every word out of Jane's mouth would stick with her whether she wanted it to or not. Jane had a knack for making Santana think about the things she did. This wouldn't be any different.

"My mother… the day that your mother told us you were going to be a girl she looked right at me and said 'Janie baby, you just lost your son. Because that little boy you're carrying… he's going to be sold from the day Gabby pops out that little girl.' and Gabby and I just looked at one another and laughed. My mother always knew how to call them. Which brings me to my next point Ana, there's something I want you to have. Something goes along with some of the things that Noah and I have given you over the years…"

Going over to the window sill Jane pulled out something obstructed from Santana's view and stood looking out the window for a few moments. long enough for Santana to pull out her phone and check her messages. long enough for her to see a text from Sylvester saying '**Nationals Canceled**' in bolded letters. Something she couldn't wrap her head around enough to care about for the moment. By the time she looked back up Jane was already in front of her grabbing her wrist, the one with the charm bracelet Puck had slipped onto her arm when she was twelve, the same bracelet her mother had worn until the day she'd died. Jane had been the one to add the cheer charm, and he'd added a heart in all of the cheesiness they'd never admit to. She could feel every crack in her tough façade breaking.

"This charm was the charm that I gave my mother to tell her that I was pregnant with Noah. She'd threatened to put it on a sting and choke me to death with it because I was always twenty… but that's beside the point. The point is that with respect to Connie I think it's time that I give it to you. Regardless of your choices or decision San, this charm belongs to you now …and so help me god if you bring up Fabray right now I might just slap you."

Even with tears in her eyes Jane always managed to nab exactly the emotion running through Santana's head. She'd always been able to do that. Just like a mother should have been able to, even if she wasn't actually her mother, Jane knew her better than she knew herself. Looking down at her wrist she spotted the gold duck hanging beside the cheerleader charm and she felt herself break. she needed to get out of the house before she was forced to think about her actions, about her decisions. she needed to get out before she was forced to think about anything. Running her free hand through her messy hair she couldn't even care to the fact that Sylvester would most likely flip her lid because it wasn't in her classic high pony, all she knew was that she needed to get out of the Puckerman home and go directly to school to burry herself in the childish antics of every self absorbed bitch at William McKinley High.

* * *

"**Santana? …Are you alright?"**

Hearing Will Schuester's voice as he attempted to put his hand on her shoulder to comfort her Santana couldn't open her mouth to express a single word the most she could do was to sniffle and mumble out as she clutched the yellow flowered tissues box she's taken out of her car closer to her chest and walked across the hall to sit down on the floor of an empty classroom doorway. She'd never been more thankful for a Sue Sylvester breakdown. it masked what she needed the most perfectly. As she sat on the floor cross legged in her cheerios uniform she let the shaking sobs fall right clean in the middle of the hallway. Every time she thought they'd stopped her shaking only increased and the tears only fell faster. Hormones. Couldn't she just blame it all on hormones and not the least bit of attachment? Santana didn't get attached to anything other than Brittany. She could hear the chatting around her, the other cheerios whining, crying, and complaining about their empty case for nationals and she wished that was the reason for her sobs. she wished she were crying over the fact that she wouldn't be able to show off her leader ship skills with what she'd self taught herself. But nationals had hardly crossed her thoughts. her text message hardly mattered to her.

"Tigger? …you didn't come pick me up this morning. I forgot if the letters on our uniform were supposed to go in the front or in the back… I think I got it wrong but, it's comfy like this so I think I'll keep it like this… think you can put my hair in a… why isn't your hair in a pony? Sylvester's going to hurt you Santana."

With childish fears raised her in innocent voice Santana looked up at Britt and attempted to force a smile out of her lips. Her best friend looked like a total mess, hair still the same way it'd probably been when she woke up, uniform looking like she'd gotten dressed in the dark… had she felt any better she might have found it to actually laugh. There were reasons that Santana Lopez didn't leave Brittany Peirce alone on her own for very long. wiping her tears on the back of her hand she looked up at the bubbly blonde who's sad expression was a direct result of her own and she reached out for Britt to help her up.

"Sorry Britts… just having a bad day"

She whispered attempting to clear her voice and make it louder back to its full volume. If Sylvester was going to be a little bitch and hide out then she needed to get the girls into control, she needed to get them all to snap out of their funks. Standing up she tucked her hair behind her ear and put her head up, she was captain for a reason after all. Throwing herself into something else was exactly what she needed to do.

"Hey Blondie… pony up"

Barking at the nearest cheerio to her with her normal bitch face coming back she started to reach for the elastic on her own wrist to put her hair up when the older blonde turned to look at her, the same girl who just happened to give her all the trouble every day at practice. Rather than listening she crossed her arms and let a smirk go to her own face as she stood up just inches taller than Santana herself. Instantly Santana felt her walls go back up and her attitude return to her mind. She wasn't in the mood to deal with whatever sit the blonde who for some reason thought she'd deserved captain when Quinn had fallen from grace had to say.

"Saw the parade of knocked up sluts coming out of the Queer-er room yesterday. Were they all knocked up by Puckerman too? What's the matter Lopez you to butch to be a part of the whores club?"

Not the right day to mess with Santana that was for damn sure as she began to reach out to grab a fistful of the blonde bitch's hair her hand was caught mid swipe by one she knew all too well. He wasn't any friggen white knight, he didn't need to ruin her fun. Instead before she knew it he'd leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"Good Vibrations… glee room… after school"

he whispered in a sultry voice as his hand slipped down her back to sit on one of his favorite spots on her body for a moment and her eyes widened at him, it was one of many songs that Puck had decided to make every dirty connotation to on the long drives when his mother insisted on taking them hours away to the beach while they were growing up. She could still remember being fourteen in the back seat of his mother's car under a blanket with him while the song was playing and his hand was sneaking closer and closer to her too short skirt. A smirk made her eye him as he walked away. that was one of the things that she loved about their relationship… or lack thereof? They had their private moments that no one else knew about… probably moments that one else would want to know about either. Focusing her attention away from Puck she turned her attention back to the girl in front of her only to notice the blonde's eyes locked on Puck's retreating figure, so that was what the whole thing was about… that's what it was always about.

"Lose a few pounds and maybe you'll be the next one to get into his pants"

She rolled her eyes, ran a hand through her messy still down hair and held her pinky out to Brittany. she had enough to worry about, the last thing she felt like worrying about was some stupid blonde whore after Puck. That was an old repetitive story that she didn't feel like bitching about anymore. She had enough to think about.


	5. Before The Worst

**Manda's note**: So have I mentioned lately that I love this story as much as I love Gabe? nah probably haven't. and for those of you that don't know who gabe is there's a little story called **Yep... Sure Did **he's my little buddy. anyways onto the real author's note. I love this chapter and I hope you all do too, please! don't forget to leave me your **reviews **and **thoughts **they are what makes me write faster after all. Katie, thank you for reading this and stop trying to kill your teddy bear! poor **Brittany **didn't do anything to you! it's not her fault that Ryan Murphy is a little ...off? besides, if you rip her head off **Ana **will be lonely in december. And it means that I'll just have to make a Puck, Mike, and Sam for Ana to ...accomplish? oh damnit, shutting up now. **Enjoy**!

**Mackenzie**- Ok so I've waited a week almost to write back to you here. Your review honest to god put the biggest smile on my face and made me get back to work right away. I love the type of feedback you give, that's what really makes me want to work on this stuff. Santana's cold and shut off from the outside world to protect herself, what she's going though now in this is something with emotions that she hadn't expected to feel and doesn't want to. She knows what she's got ahead of her but at the same time she's back and forth. She's still got a struggle to think of. I hope I kept her in perspective enough here. Please by all means call me out at any time! kay? 3 and thank you so much again.

* * *

Had she felt more like herself she'd of gotten right up off of the floor and made the Cheerio tramps pay for what they'd done. Whoever the fuck they thought they were she wanted to make them pay. From the moment she'd taken over Quinn's role as head Cheerio the rest of them had almost retaliated against her. This was the last straw; the stunt they'd pulled earlier in the evening had left her coiled in a heap in the middle of Jane's bed. The pain she felt was excruciating and while she'd been flat on the floor and it had continued right along to now. Her whole back felt as though it was on fire preventing her from finding a comfortable spot to lie on. Had she been able to make sure it happened every stuck up bitch on the squad would have paid for the pain they'd caused her. One moment she'd been in her rightful place on top of the pyramid and the next thing she knew she'd fallen from a four people high stance only to land on her back during warm-ups. She could feel every inch of the purple and blue bruises that were etched in her back. She'd tried everything to pretend the pain didn't exist but nothing worked no matter what way she laid something felt like it hurt. As she tensed up in unmanageable pain a groan made its way through her lungs. She couldn't get passed the agonizing pain that surged through every inch of her.

"Ana, you need more ice"

Jane said bluntly as she walked into the bedroom and knelt down on the bed beside her. Jane had been on her case the moment she'd walked through the door. If the pain hadn't been bad enough the spotting had only added to it, and, when Jane had ever noticed the pad wrapper in the trash she'd jumped on Santana's back thinking she'd gotten rid of it without complying with Jane's end of their deal. Spotting, cramping, bruising… had the agony from her back not hurt so badly she might have noticed the nerves that had risen in her throat along with them. Lying on her stomach she felt the ice placed firmly to her back as she tensed at the sensation for a second. She was going to plan her revenge on all the dumb whores the moment she could move without restraint again. If worse came to worse she'd just go down on all of their boyfriends. Than they'd all know where they stood in line. What one of the guys didn't want or hadn't had her at one point or another?

"Sweetheart, just let me take you to the doctors. Let's get everything checked out and make sure you're ok. And no, it's not the pregnancy I'm worried about, that bruise looks like your back is swollen. How do you know that you're not hurt worse than you think? I've seen you with plenty of bruises before but this one looks even worse."

Her hand rubbed the ice up and down Santana's back as Santana bit on the pillow corner that was under her head. Every time the ice brushed the bruise Santana shook in pain. This wasn't how she'd envisioned spending the night of a win at Nationals. She'd worked so hard only to be literally knocked on her back. After all she'd done for the no good god damn selfish son of a bit…her thoughts were completely cut off as a hitch of agony ripped though her unexpectedly and she coiled up showing a pain that she couldn't quite hide from Jane. Opening her eyes slowly she saw just how wide Jane Puckerman's eyes had become in just the flash of a second. before she could even open up her mind to protest whatever was about to come next Jane had her cell phone in her hand and her fingers were quickly punching in numbers. The last thing she really wanted was Puck being called to come running home.

"Hi Brooklyn? I was just wondering if it had an hour or so to run into the office with me for a little while…

no… everything's not really fine. My son's girlfriend is about seven or eight weeks pregnant and I think she's having a miscarriage, she just needs to be checked out."

With breathing that couldn't have felt more uneven Santana suddenly felt like the entire room was spinning. She knew better than to protest but she also knew that the last thing she wanted was anything to happen without her consent to **it**. Opening her mind to protest didn't work as Jane reached out for her left hand to sooth her. If she could have gotten the energy up she would have forbade Jane from calling Puck. If anything were to happen the last thing she really wanted him to remember was the last moments. From what she could tell with every hour that passed for them Puck started to get closer and closer to the pregnancy. Getting close to the pregnancy had been the last thing possible that she'd wanted to happen, she still didn't want to stay pregnant. Quinn's performance for Funk had proved to her that one. Regardless of not wanting to continue the pregnancy she didn't exactly want to lose it against her will.

"Ana, sweetheart… hey… look at me. You didn't take anything right? No pain meds."

Her hatred for the rest of the cheerios had her mind cluttered with thoughts. Of the revenge game she'd pin on them all if anything happened. Santana shook when Jane's voice carried into her ears and reached for her hand squeezing it tightly. Her mind raced back over the national's competition for a response. As her mind worked slowly she remembered Coach Sylvester handing her four pills and telling her to get her ass back to work, they had a routine to perfect and she wasn't doing any good lying on her back. Then she'd gone off on her 'that's what lost us Quinn Fabray' rant and Santana had swallowed the pills and gotten back to work. The last thing she wanted to do was to be compared to Quinn Fucking Fabray.

"Four aspirin, it didn't touch the pain. Coach Sylvester gave them to me."

Jane's face went white as a sheet then and she looked away from Santana's face. Well as for that three hour drive she didn't exactly want to take to Indiana the following weekend it seemed like she wouldn't have to be driving it after all. It was just her son that she needed to worry most about. She could tell with the way he was going he wasn't about to handle the abortion very well but, handling a miscarriage could potentially be even worse. Studies had shown that the affects of a single adult aspirin could be dangerous, but four aspirin, Jane was pretty sure that there wouldn't be much they could do. After all Aspirin was a blood thinner, aspirin kept the blood from clotting. She was mostly just worried about Santana bleeding out.

* * *

Maybe he would have been safer going home rather than to the Nationals party with Matt. Of course, it wouldn't have been a very Puck like move but it would have been something smarter. Then again, Puck never really thought with the smart side of his brain, if he even had a smart side of his brain. As the music changed with every beat the blonde in his arms, who'd been grinding on him all night, led his hand downward toured the inside of her thighs. Being Puck and having an image to uphold he'd teased her and allowed his hand to touch close to where she wanted them but, he never quite complied. Puck had never quite grasped the concepts of right and wrong, he was pretty sure he'd never remember the difference between them either, at least not till he was older. Maybe it was just the Jack Daniels talking for him. It did seem to have that sort of effect on him.

"Tried to get rid of your whore today, figured that if we tried hard enough to kick her off of her high horse maybe then she'd share some of the spotlight with someone other than that airhead blonde she's always with. Since she's taken over the squad it's been a two and a half person show. I guess they hang around Becky because she has the same mental compactly as Brittany."

The girl had turned around to face him then and his hand had retracted to holding her back. He guessed she'd given up on her quest of getting that out of him. Maybe she was a little smarter then he'd thought at first glance. He was busy thinking about the sex aspect of it all too much notice what she'd said exactly. By the time his semi slow and alcohol induced state went on to try and figure out what she'd said the blonde had moved onto new tactics. Her fingers had pulled down his fly and she'd slipped her hand inside of his blue jeans up to the wrist. Wasn't like he could stop himself from feeling anything there, Puck wasn't in control of everything especially when it was put right in front of him. Normally it'd been Santana doing things like this to him in the middle of Cheerios parties. It'd always been what he'd assumed as her marking her territory before moving onto one of the other more intoxicated guys, that was just the way they'd always played their little games.

"We'd had her over fifteen feet off the floor when I'd conveniently lost her foot. Watching her tumble to the ground and lay on her back in agony felt so good Puck. Thought for a second that maybe if I could get rid of Lopez maybe I'd get my night with you, looks like since she's not here hanging all over you like she owns you at the moment I might have actually gotten my wish. Now if we could just her off the squad everyone would be happy."

Her breathy voice whispered into Puck's ear as her hand made a full attempt to distract him. Had she not said Lopez Puck might not have paid any more attention. For the past two years he'd listened to all of the Cheerios drama shit without really paying attention. With the way those girls fought it wasn't a wonder they were trying revenge games on one another all the time. Freshmen year that had been all Santana talked about, who she was going to get revenge on. Given, most of it was due to the girl who now looked like she'd grown a watermelon, but none the less payback had been the name of the game. His mind started to stray away from the blonde slut's hand as his brain picked out the words 'agony' and 'Lopez' and he felt himself worry for once. His mind couldn't even connect with the things her hand was doing.

"Seriously man? Haven't you learned your lesson? Put that thing away."

He should have known that Matt would be standing right there, now a days he always seemed to be watching over his shoulder waiting for him to make a wrong move. He'd been that way since Puck had told him that he'd been the one to father Quinn's baby. Of course Puck knew exactly why that was and it wasn't like he could blame Matt. She was an addiction that was pretty hard to kick, then again he'd never really tried to. When he was pushed away he'd just tried harder to piss her off till she went right back to him. Sure, not exactly some of his most proud moments but she'd hurt him over the years just as much.

"The girl you supposedly care about was hurt by the same girl you're letting feel you up over here? How much of a jackass are you?"

Feeling much to sober finally Puck pulled away from the smirking blonde and fixed his jeans before turning to look at Matt, Matt who was far too involved in the situation of it all for Puck's liking. It wasn't like he could even mention it, that would be showing emotion and that was something that he didn't do. Puck never showed jealousy… that would have been showing weakness. Instead he didn't say anything instead he threw his bottle in the nearest trash and headed out through the door of the house. The house party wasn't so much fun suddenly.

"You knock her up and then you have the fucking nerve to come slut around?"

That was it, he officially couldn't win. Her exact words before she'd left for competition had been, 'I swear to god Puck anything goes different at this year's nationals party… you blow anything that's going on and you'll regret it'. How was he not supposed to listen to her? for the time being (and as usual) she was the one he'd always listened to. He was already sick of Matt butting his two sense in.

"we're not keeping it Matt. she's having an abortion"

He mumbled out dryly looking around to make sure there wasn't anyone who could have been listening around. If there was it wouldn't have been his fault, Matt was the one who'd brought it up, not that Puck really wanted to play the lets point fingers game anyway.

"Good, the last thing you need to do is ruin her life."

Puck's jaw clenched instantly at his words, that was an issue that Puck himself had been over and over in his own head, he didn't need someone else pointing it out to him. Not when the conflicting feelings raged every time he thought about the whole thing. It wasn't like it was something he'd done on purpose, getting her pregnant had been a careless accident, putting her through the conflicting pain she was in was even more of a mistake to him. Matt accusing him of not caring made it that much worse. He didn't expect it to hurt so much to think about what was going on. He hadn't expected his every thought to be consumed by the 'what if'.

"Would it really be such a bad thing?

The words left his mouth before he could think about them. How was he not supposed to think about it? From the moment they'd found out he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. Never having that perfect family had always driven him to the pace of what if, the place where he wondered if it existed. It wasn't his fault that he could see it with her. he could see himself being happy somewhere down the line. There wasn't anything he wouldn't of done for Santana. He might not have admitted it to anyone other than her very often but, it didn't mean that it wasn't true.

"Yea… it would. That's not who Santana is Puck. San doesn't settle for your shit like that. Do you really want to ruin her life? I thought she meant something to you. You two keep this baby and you're going to be the one responsible for crushing everything she's worked so hard for already. The only reason she'd be keeping it would be to make you happy. Don't make that mistake. Don't destroy the girl we both love"

Anger was rising in both of their faces. He might have known the same Santana that Puck knew but he didn't get her like he did and he never would. He might have loved her but Puck was in love with her. It wasn't like he was taking this whole pregnancy thing lightly.

"You think I don't know that? Think I don't know that we don't need a baby? Doesn't change the fact that she's pregnant Matt, Don't change the fact that there's already a kid there. The last thing I want to do is change her any. What you don't seem to understand Matt is that Santana has her own mind about this, sure, be pissed at me for fucking up all you want it's not going to change what happened. It's also not going to change the fact that if you were to put it in front of her she'd pick me."

Puck didn't need any unnecessary fears being put into his head, he'd do what he needed to block them out. Besides, the outside world didn't know the versions of themselves that they knew. No one had a right to judge, that was all anyone ever did though.

"Just waiting till the day you fall from grace Puckerman."

Matt rolled his eyes and slammed the door to the drivers side of his car as Puck got in too. He might have been an asshole and a moron at times but even he knew not to get behind the wheel of the car with liquor in his system, both his mother and Santana would have killed him had he done it. They had enough on their minds to have to worry about his bullshit too.

"Keep dreaming Rutherford. You don't see what happens behind closed doors so don't be so quick to judge my feelings for her."

* * *

Puck could have rang Matt's neck for driving so slow and for being a complete and total asshole. Getting out of the car he slammed the door without so much as a 'bye', the only thing he wanted to do was to get in the house and as far away from Matt as he possibly could have. The lights were on in the kitchen but nowhere else. The only thing he knew was that his little sister was having a sleep over at Brittany's house for the night. He could only hope that his mother and Santana were conversing in the early morning hours. Pushing open the door he could see that wasn't the case. His mother, still fully dressed at four thirty in the morning was sitting nursing a cup of hot tea. Santana wasn't anywhere to be seen in the room. He felt his nerves raises in his throat. Something in his gut had told him that the cheer competition wasn't a very good idea.

"What's going on Ma?"

Jane looked exhausted as soon as she looked up at him. He stared at her wide eyed as he ran a hand over his shaved head attempting to calm himself down a little bit. Unfortunately for Puck it wasn't working all that well as he watched his mother struggle to get any words out. He could feel his heart beating in his throat as he waited and waited impatiently for her to say something… for her to say anything. She looked at him silently as she bit her tongue before motioning to the chair across from her.

"Sit down Noah"

She nodded and he felt numb as he listened to her order and sat down in the chair, his hands shaking. All he wanted to know was where Santana was, after the different versions of stories he'd been told by various cheerleaders and others who'd been told by word of mouth he knew that her pain couldn't have been very easy. Santana normally took bruises like a they were nothing but, to not hear from her all night wasn't normal, not so much as even a text and it hadn't occurred to him till he was sitting in front of his worried faced mother.

"We spent the night at the hospital Noah. Ana's in pretty bad shape… but, that's not the point here. The point is that my sixteen year old son just walked through the door smelling like a liquor shop. Sixteen Noah, you've got five years before that's even legal. I don't care who your friends are or how mature you think you are. You're sixteen. I'm sick of this shit. You're not a child anymore, you've proved that… but I don't want to see you killed. Do you remember what your father was like after he drank that crap? do you really want to follow in his footsteps with that? For the love of god Noah I can't lose you."

Her words were hitting every sober inch of his brain. She'd never yelled at him all that much like she was now. He wasn't used to it and he wasn't too sure that he liked it. The only thing that he was sure of was that he never wanted to be his father. Those were footsteps that he had absolutely no intention of ever following in. he might have only been eight when the bastard had walked out of his life but he still remembered what it was like when he did so. The way he'd shattered so many of the pieces of Puck's life at once. Those were the days he could still recall clinging to the slightly smaller Latina as he mother rocked them both and sang some of her various lullabies to sooth.

"I'm sorry ma"

With heartfelt words his hazel eyes showed his remorse. He didn't even try to throw in the fact that it had only been two bottles of Jack, just like always when he was with his mother the teenage side of his brain was shut off and the more childish side took over.

"Noah… I need you and Santana to really honestly talk about your decision and how it's going to affect the both of you in the long run. While I do respect the decision that you two have made and I am disappointed in the both of you for getting into the predicament in the first pace I'm worried about you both. I'm worried about you not being able to handle the consequences. You're always going to have that seed of wonder sitting in the back of your minds and that's what scares me the most. I don't want to see either one of your hurting and I don't want to see you trying to hurt one another either. This is the both of your decision and I'm here for the both of you regardless of what you decided. I need to get it through your head right now Noah that I'm not going to lose either one of you two this. God forbid you two fight over this I love the both of you equally and that's not going to change."

At least his nerves were let down a little, oddly, his mothers words let him know that Santana was fine. Suddenly as much as he knew that he deserved to sit there and be ranted at by his mother the only thing he wanted to do was to go crawl into his bed and hold her some place other than the tree house for once in the past few months. He was actually thankful to Mercedes for finally getting Quinn out of his house.

"No more drinking Noah, no more lying to me about where you're going to be and no more drinking. You've done enough to make me grey. If you're going to grow up and be responsible you need to start thinking about all of your actions before you act on them. With includes you and Santana both being more careful after this is over."

* * *

He was pretty sure he'd never feel more grateful to Mercedes as he did in the moment. Being able for the first time in months to lie in his bed was one thing but, being able to lay on his side with Santana sound asleep in his arms was a step up even from that. it had been nice to see her sound asleep looking almost comfortable in a bed rather than the cool hard floor of the tree house. He liked watching her sleep. when she slept she didn't have to hold up her walls, she didn't have to pretend to be tough, and she didn't have to pretend that everything combined wasn't killing her. He'd been up all night watching her, watching her distressed breathing, watching her toss and turn, watching her hand slip down to her abdomen and back up under her head. Matt was right, he was changing her and that was the very last thing he wanted to do.

His eyes followed her as she walked around the room getting ready for the day, first thing on the bright and all to sunny Friday morning they had to perform on stage, Give Up the Funk, still, he couldn't figure out how she was up and moving around so easy when her back looked like she'd had a few dozen bricks thrown at her. He watched her intently as she stood in front of the mirror, converse high tops she never wore, short shorts that made her ass look ridiculously good to him as always, a black tank top that clung to her, and a purple headband wrapped around her head that made her look like she was something out of the seventies. It occurred to him then that it'd been way to long since he'd taken a moment just to look at her, just to see how tough and how beautiful she really was.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

He was giving her a complex as she folded up her glasses and started to apply her makeup for the first time of what would undoubtedly be a twenty time thing in the day. Yet he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"You can see it can't you? …it's completely obvious I can't wear just a tank top."

Getting up off of the bed and stretching his arms above his head as he attempted to get the fogginess to leave his eyes he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands planting themselves firmly on her stomach as he shook his head.

"You can't see anything Tink. That's all your imagination. We're not …we're not keeping it are we?"

The lump in his throat grew worse as he watched her eyes slip down to watching the floor rather than keeping eye contact with him. This was the side of her that only he got to see, the side that so easily crumbled when things got tough in private.

"I heard his heartbeat last night Puck. …and there I go again… presumptuously saying his. Your mom said that was normal though. What wasn't normal was that for the split second that the ultrasound tech couldn't locate his heartbeat I felt… I felt relieved. I felt like we suddenly didn't have anything to worry about. Someone who's looking forward to and expecting a baby doesn't do that Puck."

She whispered and he could hear the hard and callous tone toured herself in her voice. It made him shiver, she didn't need any more reasons to look down on or judge herself. She did that enough for everyone at McKinley when there was no pressure on her to be the school's leading bitch. He stayed quiet though, knowing better than to interject while she was in the middle of one of her thoughts.

"I can't be pregnant Puck, seeing that image on the screen… as much as it kills me to say and believe me I've thought over every possible option but they all point us back to the only result. I don't want to be a Lima loser for the rest of my life and I know that you don't want to be either. That's always been our biggest fears remember? We don't want to carry out the same mistakes that our parents made. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be settled down and stuck here forever."

Agreeing with every word she said he nodded to show that he was listening and he was agreeing. He'd known the outcome long before he'd opened his mouth to ask her. He'd just needed to know for sure that that was what she wanted, that that was what she felt was the right thing to do. As much he hated to admit it to himself he agreed with her.

"Stop beating your self up over it Ana, we're sixteen. we've got our entire lives ahead of us. We're just… cementing that fact? We'd be no good to a kid right now; I mean… there's only so much we're willing to give up without losing ourselves completely right? We're going to be ok… this is just… it's a milestone that we're just going to have to put behind us."

In exactly a week they'd be getting ready for regional's, they'd be singing at regional and then going with his mother to put the whole mess to a rest. He didn't want to think about it anymore, he didn't want to think about the fact that she was pregnant or the fact that in a little more than a week she'd no longer be pregnant. He just wanted to escape for a little while. The escape came in the form of the purple sash that was wrapped around her head. His smirk crosses his face as he twisted it around his fingers for a moment as she looked intently at the mirror attempting to make her eyes look alright again.

"This on the other hand …I know a few different things this could be used for."

Stopping her sniffling she realized what he was doing and looked right up at him, her bitch face once again set in stone.

"You do it and so help me god Puckerman I'll murder you."

Didn't take him two seconds to pull the purple materal from her hair and wrap it around her wrists in arrest style… yea they we're gonna be late for Glee…


	6. Mistakes We Regret

**Manda's Note**: Hey guys I'm sorry that this is so late and it's probably not what you want to read exactly but this section (the top part of it anyway) is the first part of the story I EVER wrote. I'd love to make this author's note longer and thank those who reviewed that I haven't yet done but I honestly don't have it in me to write any more then a short author's note. I lost my mom a few days ago now and i'm trying to cope with that. I swear I haven't up and left any of my stories. and actually they'll probably be one of my coping devices. Ok, i'm gonna stop talking now. Just try to enjoy it... even if its not my best? (=

* * *

Something had happened the moment she'd turned around for Don't Stop. There'd been a looming feeling over her that had finally cracked the second she'd started for the stairs to go back to the warm up room and something had hit her full force the moment Quinn had announced her water was broken. Santana hadn't even had a split second to reach for Puck to tell him something wasn't right before he'd rushed to Fabray's side to aid her with whatever. Instead she'd been left to pull herself together and pretend she was just fine. The last thing she wanted to do was to confuse Brittany more. She could already see the spindles in Britt's mind working to ask where Quinn's water bottle had come from. Sucking in a deep breath she reached out her pinky for Brittany as she ignored the throbbing pain that was in every inch of her body. She'd been through agony before and she'd ignored it, she could do the same now. Raising her hand that wasn't attached to Britt's pinky she bit the skin near her thumb before catching Mike's eye for a fleeting second. Pain wasn't something that Santana ever broadcasted and it wasn't something she was going to express now.

"Hey Lopez, you ok?"

Mike whispered out at a low volume as he came over to the two pinky linked girls. She gave him a glare and released the bubbly blonde who'd been jumping up and down still on an adrenaline high into his arms. The massive pain had fleeted and left leaving her with a mild cramping that still made her want to sit down and hide. Sure, the day she'd taken the fall at cheerios practice she'd cramped up but it hadn't been anything like this. It hadn't been anywhere near the baby then, or, she hadn't completely admitted to herself then that it was actually a baby. Maybe this was just a passing thing that would go away, at least, that's what she'd decided to tell herself. There was no showing weakness in front of 'the team'.

"Alright kids, if you're coming with us… on the bus. If you're not give us updates whenever you can."

Shue called and Santana took a step forward to the door when Mike's hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her back from it. As if she was really going to let Mike Chang stop her from going along with them. She couldn't have given a shit if Puck had told him what was going on or if he was worried about her. She hadn't told her loving yet slightly dimwitted best friend why did the best friend's boyfriend have to know? It wasn't something they had any intention to continue so why did anyone else have to know about it? About the error they'd made or the tough decision they were being faced with.

"Santana… why don't you just stay here with Rachel? Britt will stay here too if you need her…"

Mike says as she shot him a dirty look. That was the moment she knew her actions are betraying her and she'd been showing just enough of her pain that even Mike was worried. She did her best to turn all of her feelings into a sneer then as she pushed past Mike to the waiting bus. Shue and Judy Fabray were sending them looks that say to hurry up yet she doesn't attempt to move any faster. Afraid of what a sudden moment might do she let Matt walk up in front of her and she held onto his dress shirt with a tight fist the rest of the way up the steep bus stairs. Which gave him the clue also that there was something not exactly right going on. Matt kept a tab on her from the corner of his eye as they walk passed Puck who was sitting in the same seat as Quinn.

"Shut it Rutherford, I'm fucking fine alright"

Her dull voice bit out as she leaned forward with her head against the seat in front of her. Feeling Mike, who'd slid in the seat behind her with Brittany slip his hand to her back left shoulder she almost crumbled. They all knew Mike's parents struggles and the reasons that his nearly three year old sister was the light of his parent's eyes. Feeling the breakfast bar she'd eaten quickly on the way to regional's she closed her eyes and she could see it, her ten year old self standing in the doorway of the Chang kitchen while the blood dripped from her pristine white tennis skirt. She could see the blood crystal clear then, the blood on the yellow tiles of the kitchen floor, the blood on the sidewalk from when her mother was killed, the blood on the blue blanket in her dream weeks prior. Her thoughts made her heart race as her mind conjured up the smell making her gag into her hand and dive into Matt's lap to hide from view of the rest of the Glee club.

"Maybe I should get Puck. I don't think they're ok Mike. Puck's going to be pissed if we don't say anything."

Matt whispered as he rubbed her back attempting to calm her only his words weren't helping. There wasn't anything wrong. She was just worked up due to the bitchy blonde stealing the Glee Club's spotlight. She always had to have the spot lights on her, just like Berry. She should have seen it months ago, why Quinn didn't like Rachel. They're too much alike for their own good. For a moment she almost felt bad for Finn, being stuck with both of the over dramatic bitches. It all took her mind off of what was really going on in her own body and she drifted in and out of sleep for a while. She could hardly hear what Mike and Matt are arguing about or how badly Britt wanted a happy meal. Sleep had taken over for a while curing her from feeling anything or hearing anything till another voice broke through her focus.

"Are ya'll serious? You claim to care about him and not want anyone else to go near him yet when he could use you the most you're going down on his best friend when he's ten feet away? Girl, that's messed up. If you claim to care about him so much you wouldn't be whoring yourself out on a bus."

Mercedes's voice rang loud in her ears causing her to jump out of her skin as she woke up and sat up quickly like a cat who'd just gotten in trouble for laying in a plant. as the bus started to pull into focus she noticed what she'd been doing, laying sound asleep in Matt's lap as Matt slept with his head leaning on the back of the bus chair, mouth wide open in almost a twisted sexual smirk way. Blinking her tired eyes a few times she noticed the way it looked and she ran her hand over her mouth, pushing the sleep away before she went to say something only to be stopped by the cramping return once again returning.

"Shut the fuck up Mercedes, you have no idea what's going on back here"

Almost every mouth on the handy capable bus went silent and turned to see that the harsh words had come from the always quiet dancer who had the normally noisy blonde sound asleep on his shoulder. Everyone with the exception of Puck, Quinn, Shue, and Judy seemed to be staring at him with their mouths agape. No one would have ever expected such a statement to come from his mouth. Reaching his free hand in back of him though the small space between the window and the seat, obstructed from the view of staring eyes, he reached for Santana's hand who hesitated for a second before slipping her hand into his and letting him squeeze it to re assure her. Santana didn't need re assuring, in that moment she knew exactly what was going through Mike's head. She knew exactly what was going on as she put her walls up to slip into her own frame of denial.

* * *

"Tigger, where's your ducky charm?"

As the handy accessible bus came to a stop and everyone stood up to get off quickly in the same rush that they'd gotten on Santana had placed her hand on Brittany's shoulder for a second. Adjusting to the sudden change in movements as she slowly stood up, moving her hands on both of the boy's shoulders she followed Brittany's gaze to her left wrist where her silver charm bracelet hung. Puck had slid it back onto her wrist just as she was coming off of the stage from performing. Her charm bracelet was something he always remembered to hand her back. Looking at it now and noticing that the charm that had been Nana Connie's wasn't there broke her a little bit more. Knowing it was missing just made her heart break from its steal casing a little bit more. Though she stiffened her upper lip more and put her head up.

"San… how about you go get checked out yourself?"

Matt whispered in her ear as he slid his hand across her lower back. She couldn't help herself as she half leaned into him, a pressure beside her own felt good on the spot where the dull throbbing had been continuing for the past hour. Refusing to give him the satisfaction of complying with a response she pushed herself forward and off of the bus right behind Tina and Artie. She was fine, she had to keep telling herself she was fine. Maybe a little worked up over Quinn, but she'd been that way for the past eight months. Quinn had fucked everyone over, not just herself. Maybe she really should have stayed with Rachel to begin with. Wasn't like it was her place to be at the hospital in the first place. She knew better than to go near him after the kid was born for a while or else she wouldn't have been able to control her good riddens attitude.

"Baby girl please, please just… I'll come with you. You and Puck don't need this today. Just… go make sure you're ok"

His words made her bite her lip harder. Why was she being such a gum drop? Nothing was wrong. So it was a little bit of pain and Puck wasn't there to hold her hand? She didn't need Puck, she'd never needed him before and she sure as hell didn't need him now. All she needed was a distraction. She knew exactly what she needed. Soon as the idea hit her she released Matt from her grip and nodded the other two to go along in front of them as she turned to face Matt alone. A classic Santana like smirk spread over her features. If Puck was going to be in with his babymama for a while she could have some fun of her own. Especially if it took away her pain for a little while.

"I miss you Matt, it's been weeks. I bet you miss me too. When was the last time you had someone who actually knew what they were doing? Come on Matt… I'm sure there's an open room somewhere in the hospital with a free bed. I'll give it to you… all the way this time."

Fingers latched themselves through the belt loops of his black dress pants as she slowly trailed her fingers down over the seam of his fly with pressure added. The tips of her pointer fingers ran repetitive lines as the heals she'd had on for the performance made her just tall enough to move forward and bury her lips right in the crook of his neck, her lips and fingers working in sink to attempt to make him forget the simple things such as his name. She knew she could do it, she'd done it before. The day that Rachel had spilled the paternity of Quinn's bastard Ana had been able to excite Matt with just a brush of her hand, she'd just have to make sure she replicated the same motions again.

"Don't do this San… come on baby girl, please don't do this"

His voice begged on the edge of a quiver for a moment and she knew she almost had him where she wanted him. Till his hands grasped around the top of her arms and held her back at arm's length she'd of sworn that she'd been on the road to getting her way. She'd been able to work herself up to conjure up the feeling of his lips feverishly on her neck, his hands sliding down the gold dress and pinning her to the wall before dropping to his own knees in front of her. Now, her expectations were all unfounded. He wasn't allowing her close enough to start anything. Santana was becoming more and more frustrated as she stood there, hands now on her hips, a glare now on her face. Matt hadn't ever denied her; he'd never been the one to push her away. He took what he could get when he could get it.

"Forget it Matt… I'll just go find someone else. I'm sure it'll be more enjoyable then whatever you put out anyway. I'm sure you don't even know how to do anything right considering who you've been with."

With a secret that could have had him paying for life about the fact that he was on the football team and he was still a virgin to intercourse ever came to light in front of the dicks on the team she turned her back to him crossing her arms over the shimmery gold material. Her head was up high in cheerio stance and she couldn't have given less of a damn about things… on the outside anyway. He at least knew how to take Santana's bitterness. Rather than let her be alone to deal with whatever exactly was occurring he grabbed her wrist before she could touch the sole of her shoe into the hospital.

"Get the stick out of your ass Santana, stop trying to be so god damn tough you're not fooling me and you know that if it was Puck out here with you you'd listen to him and just go get checked out. Stop trying to be in control of a situation you probably have no control over. Just give it up already."

Had she not been so far from herself she might have stared at him in shock, it wasn't ordinary and normal Matt behavior. Matt wasn't the one to normally attempt to put her in her place. He was the one who sat patient on the sidelines and waited for her to say something before so much as talking to her. The better part of her, the part that hardly ever showed its face felt bad, she knew that she was tearing him in two making him a pawn in her sick game of tug of war. she couldn't blame him for not wanting to play anymore. But, she was still Santana and she still need to hold up her own reputation.

"Have fun trying to find someone better to get you off Matt. You know you're not going to find anyone to get you off as well as I do it. This time I won't be here when you need someone so don't come looking for me again."

In just a few moments she'd fallen into her dark place, a side of her that he hadn't seen since the night Puck had told her that Quinn's baby was his. She'd been so irate and erratic that she'd practically ripped his jeans and shirt off of his body. She wanted everything and she was willing to do anything before she crashed. She was a sobbing blubbering mess that night. He could still hear her cries if he concentrated hard enough. He'd never seen the Latina cry before that, and, he was pretty sure that he never wanted to see it again. As inevitable as it was he couldn't stand by and watch her this time. it wasn't that he didn't care it was more along the lines of he was beginning to understand that what happened to Santana wasn't his problem and he couldn't help her with it this time.

He couldn't stop her though, he didn't have the energy in him to stop her, Santana's games were something he always participated in. Something he wasn't sure he could fight for or with anymore. He loved her, more than he'd loved anyone else but he just couldn't battle her demons anymore. Matt just wasn't strong enough to continue to battle a fight that he wasn't ever going to win. She didn't love him the way he loved her and she never would, sometimes he truly hated Puck for what he did to her and, for the way he captured her.

"I'm done with this Baby girl… I can't play this game with you anymore. It's not worth it."

* * *

"I know I swore we'd do it together but Jane I can't wait for him."

Jane Puckerman was hardly out of her car yet when the overzealous Latina came straight for her car still looking on the outside like the model of perfection that she normally tried to be. She'd been one to text Jane saying to meet them at the hospital because Quinn was in labor. Her son hadn't even done that much. If it weren't for Santana she'd of been sitting there listening to all of the show choirs perform rather than where she belonged with her son. She'd followed right after the bus that morning, half wanting to see Puck shine doing something he hadn't even known a year ago that he liked to do and half with the full intention of stealing both him and Santana off of the bus to drive to Santana's appointment. They were a fifteen minutes away from the Indiana border. The appointment was just easier to get to from there. As much as it partly killed Jane to do, it was what they'd chosen to go forward with. She couldn't stop them or tell them they were going to create their own regrets

"I don't care if you just sign the paper and leave I can go through it on my own. I don't need anyone holding my hand."

She hadn't wanted anyone to hold her hand anyway, there was too big of a chance that she'd call her nerves and decide against it if someone was there with her anyway. She'd made that decision early on. It was just something that she'd been planning on telling Puck at the last moment. Jane made no movement and Santana started growing more impatient by the second. She couldn't stand still as it was. She was too worked up, too far gone, to not herself.

"Please Jane I never beg for anything. I just… I need to get out of here. I need to go to that appointment now."

She couldn't keep her eyes off of the Latina in front of her. Her erratic movements alone were starting to scare her. Santana was always the calm one. The on the other hand was her coming completely unraveled and Jane didn't even know the reason why. She only knew that here was the girl she'd practically raised from a child standing in front of her begging for help. Regardless if what the situation held wasn't exactly Jane's cup of tea it wasn't like she could turn her away. She'd already given her her word that she'd take her to have the procedure done.

"Ok… get in the car Ana"

Santana wouldn't hold her gaze. The moment the words slipped from her lips she was in the car without the slightest glint of hesitation though. Labor took hours, besides, it wasn't like she'd be needed for much other than Noah's moral support after it was over. Her first priority was getting Santana back to the normal that had somehow slipped away from her.

"Shue's going to flip out when he can't find you"

Trying to engage her in a little bit of conversation she looked over at Santana who was still looking out the window avoiding her as long as humanly possible. This was the way that Jane hadn't wanted to do it, she hadn't wanted Santana to be backed into a corner to make decisions. who was that fair to? but she also knew that if she didn't offer to help out at least that Santana would just find some way to do what she wanted regardless.

"Shue won't even notice I'm gone and, if he does then Mercedes will just tell him that I'm screwing someone in an empty hospital room. No big deal, it's all covered"

She didn't have anything let to say to the girl in the passenger side of the car. For some reason she wasn't acting like herself, that side of Santana was a side that Jane Puckerman never got to see. It was a side that was so much like how her mother had once been it was almost scary. Jane suddenly could remember being in the exact same spot seventeen years earlier. She'd been the driver at nineteen on the ride that very close to made it so that the younger girl sitting beside her didn't exist. she hadn't thought if it that way till they were put in the situation. Santana Lopez was every bit of her mother… just a little bit tougher. Silence filled the car on the rest of the drive and the stubborn and brave faced sixteen year old hoped out of the car the moment Jane slowed down to go over a speed bump at snail pace. she'd been insistent on doing it completely alone.

* * *

"Can't be an easy procedure to take your daughter to"

The waiting area of the small free clinic was empty besides Jane and the receptionist at the desk leaving no one else for the woman to be talking to other than Jane herself. Glancing down at her phone for an update from Puck that hadn't come in nearly an hour she looked back up at the woman with a polite smile. Jane wasn't the type to be rude and ignore someone trying to be nice. even on a day where her nerves held tight to her throat. Her mind was in a million different places at once, trying to decide which child could use her more to lean on for the time being.

"It's not but… She and her… boyfriend were very responsible about the whole thing."

It wasn't the first time she'd talked about Santana as if she were hers. How else did you talk to the cops when she was caught sneaking into the house at four in the morning? She was just glad the police had been naive to notice the bruise that stood out as a black and blue ring on Santana's cheek that first time she'd been caught. Since then she'd stopped sneaking around and just started sleeping there. it wasn't like her father was even in the state majority of the calendar weeks. The traveling, highly rated plastic surgeon who hid his identity and his past in Lima where no one would ever think to look.

"They say something like this is hard for an adult to go through. I can't even imagine being her age and going through it."

The sympathetic look was one that Jane shrugged off, what Santana and Puck was doing was their decision. She'd done as much as she could to help out but she wasn't the one who'd remotely swayed them in either way. The only thing she could assume from the sympathetic look in the other woman's eyes was that she knew the implications that came along with the decision all too well. What Jane Puckerman didn't see was the underlying message behind the woman's eyes had nothing to do with what Jane thought they meant.

"Well you know teenagers, they think they're so invincible."


	7. Good to you

Manda's Note: So you can tell me I suck because I know I do. It's taken way to long to actually get this posted and i'm sorry. On the bright side it's here now! And I know that normally I write back to everyone that reviews but considering when the prior chapter was posted I hope you understand. next time I'll get to reviews I promise! I hate not responding to them but at the moment I don't even want to re read them. I'm in a good place. So review this chapter! and **enjoy it**! I have a ton more things coming at you soon.

* * *

Hearing the door creek open she didn't bother to lift her head to confirm who it was. She didn't have to, Jane Puckerman walked in every ten minutes since they'd gotten home, to check on her. She wasn't sure how many times she'd have to say 'I'm fine' before Jane actually let it sink in and believed her. When the truth was Jane knew Santana better than she knew herself. She didn't want to look up, she couldn't pull the covers down any, the only thing Santana could do was lay there with the blankets over her head in a ball reeling from the pain in her abdomen. It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad, this was what she'd wanted wasn't it? She knew the door shut when the light disappeared but what confused her was the fact that she never heard Jane's retreating footsteps. Though, it shouldn't have surprised her when she felt the dip in the bed and suddenly Jane Puckerman's arms were tightly wrapped around her suddenly frail feeling body. Shaking but never shedding a tear she curled up against her closer almost letting herself be a lost child herself.

"I did this"

She whispered in a very feeble voice that she couldn't control. It wasn't her, yet, she couldn't get it any louder. Her voice was just a reflection of how she felt on the inside, how broken beyond control she suddenly was. The day she should have potentially been on top of the world. Though many people hadn't known it, the slight solo she'd had in 'Don't Stop' had meant everything to her. The ideas of having all eyes on her hand been exactly what she'd wanted. She wanted to go back to the morning when all of the drama in her life was the furthest from her mind.

"No, you didn't, that'd be like saying your mother had planned to leave you Santana Maria, and we both know that's a lie."

Eyes closed tighter and she shook a little bit more as Jane tightened her grip around her. She couldn't help but feel at blame. She hadn't wanted; she and Puck weren't going to keep the baby to begin with. It shouldn't have hurt so bad, none of it should have been affecting her the way it was, none of it was a big deal. That was what she needed to keep reminding herself. At least she felt she needed to keep reminding herself of that. She was sixteen… they didn't want a baby at sixteen; she'd never wanted to be just another stupid statistic. They were just kids themselves.

"None of this was your fault sweetheart and stop, stop trying to tell yourself otherwise. You and I both know you wouldn't have gone through with that abortion today even if you'd had the choice. I know you better than that Ana, I knew the moment you two told me you were getting an abortion that you weren't going to. That is why this is so hard on you, and it is going to be hard. There isn't anything any of us can say that'll make it any better."

Santana hadn't told her otherwise. Suddenly she couldn't figure out how Jane knew what had happened, she didn't want pity, she didn't need it when she was the one who'd nearly chosen the same exact outcome. She wasn't supposed to hurt and she wasn't supposed to be grieving when this was the outcome that she'd wanted it to be.

"Who told you? I asked them not to say anything."

The voice coming out of her mouth still wasn't her own. She wasn't used to the slight whisper her voice had turned into, it just wasn't who she was. She was supposed to be tough. It didn't make any sense for her to be anything other than that. Yet for the life of her she couldn't figure out why she felt the way she did. Why she felt so broken and empty, things weren't supposed to be this way. She and Puck hadn't been ready to have a baby, they never would have been able to handle it. Now, she didn't have to worry about cheerios or getting fat or anything else that went along with pregnancy, the only thing she had to worry about was being herself.

"Sweetheart… they had to do a D&C and you're a minor, they needed permission. I'm so sorry baby, I wish you hadn't of had to go through that alone. I wish they'd of let me in there with you."

She refused to crack in even the slightest bit, she needed to keep telling herself that this was the outcome that she'd been looking for and waiting for. Two weeks prior when she'd had the fall at regional's and she'd heard his heartbeat she hadn't felt so connected to him. Why was it now after she didn't have a choice in the matter that it was affecting her most? Santana shivered back against her and it was almost like Jane was reading her every emotion as her thumb rubbed back and forth on Santana's shoulder. Just like she was a child again, the comfort of Jane's arms made a little bit of a difference to calm her down.

"It's ok to be mad Santana, its ok to be pissed off and upset. You can cry you know… just let it all out, it's the only way you're going to feel better. You can't hold all of your emotions on this one in sweetie. I know you do it with everything else but, you can't do it with this ok?"

Hearing the words just made the Latina lock up more. She couldn't whine and cry over it, it wasn't who she was, she didn't want it to begin with and now it was gone. She should have been thrilled, that was what she needed to keep telling herself. At least she wouldn't ever be in Quinn's position. She wouldn't have to be kicked off of Cheerios and she wouldn't have to worry about stretch marks or getting fat.

"I'm fine Jane… it's not a big deal. One less thing to worry about right? Besides, Sylvester needs me on Sunday… I wouldn't have been able to do anything if I was throwing up all morning. Now no one has to know about the mistakes that Puck and I made. It can just be put in the past. I'm fine Jane… don't worry about me. He's the one who's going to need comfort tonight. He's the one that gave up his… He's going to need you. Not me. I can take care of myself."

Pushing her words through the shake in her voice she reminded herself that she wasn't supposed to cry. Crying didn't get anyone anywhere and it just wasn't worth it to start. She was fine and none of it was a big deal. at least, that's what she tried to remind herself.

* * *

"Hey man, you doing ok?"

As Mike's hand clapped him on the back Puck jumped. He'd been so diluted in his own mind he'd almost forgotten the world around him. He'd stood at the window of the nursery till well after the sun had hidden its self for the night. Just standing and watching, looking at the things that he'd done. At the little girl he'd helped to bring into the world. It was strange, something so tiny could scare him shitless. Yet the more he looked at her the more comfortable he became with the idea of her, the idea of being a father, maybe not the idea of being her father because he knew that he and Quinn never would have been able to work things out of the better of her, but, the thought of being a father in general felt a little bit better than it had felt before he'd seen her.

"Well as can be expected I guess. I just… I don't know if I want to go home or watch her for the last final moments. Is it wrong to feel like a failure if I leave her? Is it bad that what I want more than anything right now is go home and lay in bed with Santana? Does that make me a horrible person? A bad father?"

His fears and worries kept his mind cluttered with things that he couldn't do and couldn't change. Every jarring thought was held right at his fingertips as he rubbed his eyes before looking at the 'other Asian'. Mike could see every emotion written on Puck's face, every worry every regret. He suddenly looked years beyond his sixteen years. That alone told Mike that Puck had no idea that Santana hadn't stayed at the hospital like the rest of them all afternoon. She hadn't let him know that she thought there was any sort of complication before she'd left. Not that she could have gotten to him. Mike wasn't positive but he was pretty sure that the delivery room didn't allow the father's also pregnant girlfriends to up and ask questions at random throughout the delivery process.

"Puck, stop being so hard on yourself…"

Mike felt a little awkward with everything, his friendship with the both of them held him at a strange place as it was. However knowing what was going on when Puck yet was still in the dark…Mike hadn't ever been very good with hiding his honesty. it was almost as bad as his hand sanitizer uses. Watching Puck's head drop back into his hands Mike sighed and thought for a moment about his next course of actions. Because Mike was Mike, he hardly ever did things without thinking the result all the way through before, which was one of the ways he stayed out of trouble.

"You know what? Through everything you do you have to remember there's a reason for it. Even if you can't figure out what that reason is right at first, there's a reason for everything. My parents used to tell me that all the time before Luce was born. Every time an adoption feel through or they lost… "

The words coming off of his tongue made him pause and wish for a moment that he was a little bit tougher and harder to read but, he knew that wasn't the case and that it would never be the case. Mike just hoped he could keep it all together and hide what he was really trying to say.

"Every time they lost a child… you know my mom. You know how she likes her random meaningful talks. At least the talks he thinks are meaningful."

Attempting at a cover up to mask his words he knew it'd failed. He could see it in the way that Puck raised his head that his mind for the moment wasn't accepting anything. It was still on the fact that he was leaving his daughter to strangers and going home to his pregnant… to Santana. Mike was tempted to just right out in say it. To give Puck fair warning before he went home and tried to smoother Santana with attention that knowing her he'd get a black eye for regardless of what had happened when she'd left the hospital. Mike's mind worked faster, attempting to come up with something or anything that would warn Puck without telling him to much. Mike knew at least that it wasn't his place, if Santana or his mother hadn't called to say anything maybe there was a chance that Mike had just been hypersensitive to the whole thing.

"I have to tell you something ok Puck. Something that you can't get mad for. It's not fair if you get mad for."

He was rambling now, he was about to do something that he told himself that under no circumstances he'd let himself do. Mike didn't like going back on his own words but, he didn't feel like he had very much of a choice. They were his best friends and they'd break one another without a second thought to it if they had to.

"Your mom picked Santana up today and took her to a clinic…"

Before he could get another world out of his mouth Puck had snapped up suddenly, Mike was so shell shocked and confused he didn't know here to look or what to say first. Everything felt tongue tied and confusing as he watched the anger rise in Puck's face. He was getting the wrong image in his head and Mike wasn't sure anything there was anything he could say or do to get that image out of Puck's head. Not to mention his words were suddenly tired speechless when he tried to open his mouth. He watched as Puck paced back and forth for a moment.

"I'll call you later"  
Another word didn't come out of Mike's mouth as he watched Puck head in the direction of the door. Mike felt frozen, he knew that no matter what he said or did there would be a blow up of some sort between the two. that was the way that they worked. He just hated being the cause of it especially if things were already in the rocky state they seemed to be in.


End file.
